March 22, 2013

Russia to Purchase Cyprus


Russia to Purchase Cyprus

MOSCOW (22 March 2013) – In a move that has taken even seasoned Kremlin watchers by surprise, Russia today agreed to purchase Cyprus in a bold stroke to save the troubled archipelagic country and by extension the Eurozone.

The two countries had been in talks to avert a Eurobank austerity measure that would tax Russian oligarchs' cash holdings squirreled in Cypriot banks when, a source with knowledge of the negotiations revealed, Cyprus President Nicos Anastasiades sought to relieve some tension with a joke.

"Well, you could always buy us," Anastasiades said.

An uncomfortable silence spread over the room, the source who was present at the talks said.

"Mozhno," (We could), replied Russian President Putin.

Anastasiades was a bit taken aback, but soon realized that in every joke there is a measure of wisdom. Putin reportedly turned to Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, who raised his left eyebrow in assent.

"Budem," (We will) Putin continued. "Russia has long sought a base in the Mediterranean, and we have good relations with Turkey. We will do this."

President Anastasiades, the source present at the talks said, broke out into a cold sweat, realizing that the negotiations were fast spinning out of his control.

"But, excuse me, Mister President," Anastasiades said, "you cannot just buy a whole country. There are 800,000 Cypriots."

"Now they will be Russians."

"But–"

"What is your GDP? $25 billion? You have public debt of $15 billion, so this is simple deal. We will buy you for $30 billion. You pay off your debt and have $15 billion to spare. Enough to run your deficit economy for a decade."

"Er–"

"Listen, this is good thing for you. You are a net importer. When you become part of Russia, you will become an export country overnight. You will send us oranges, we will send you gas. You will keep our money in our banks, host our tourists. We will rename Nicosia to Nicosiovich. It will be like a new Cuba. Only closer. With a Russian naval base."

"You don't seriously think that the US and the EU will accept this?"

"What business is it of theirs? This is just between us."

Another long, uncomfortable pause descended over the room. Finally, Anastasiades broke the silence.

"What–... um, how soon can we close?"

Putin turned to Medvedev, who this time raised his right eyebrow.

"One week," Putin replied. "We can close on April 1."

Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of our Books

Little Golden Calf
February 01, 2010

Little Golden Calf

Our edition of The Little Golden Calf, one of the greatest Russian satires ever, is the first new translation of this classic novel in nearly fifty years. It is also the first unabridged, uncensored English translation ever, and is 100% true to the original 1931 serial publication in the Russian journal 30 Dnei. Anne O. Fisher’s translation is copiously annotated, and includes an introduction by Alexandra Ilf, the daughter of one of the book’s two co-authors.

Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices
May 01, 2013

Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices

Stargorod is a mid-sized provincial city that exists only in Russian metaphorical space. It has its roots in Gogol, and Ilf and Petrov, and is a place far from Moscow, but close to Russian hearts. It is a place of mystery and normality, of provincial innocence and Black Earth wisdom. Strange, inexplicable things happen in Stargorod. So do good things. And bad things. A lot like life everywhere, one might say. Only with a heavy dose of vodka, longing and mystery.

93 Untranslatable Russian Words
December 01, 2008

93 Untranslatable Russian Words

Every language has concepts, ideas, words and idioms that are nearly impossible to translate into another language. This book looks at nearly 100 such Russian words and offers paths to their understanding and translation by way of examples from literature and everyday life. Difficult to translate words and concepts are introduced with dictionary definitions, then elucidated with citations from literature, speech and prose, helping the student of Russian comprehend the word/concept in context.

Bears in the Caviar
May 01, 2015

Bears in the Caviar

Bears in the Caviar is a hilarious and insightful memoir by a diplomat who was “present at the creation” of US-Soviet relations. Charles Thayer headed off to Russia in 1933, calculating that if he could just learn Russian and be on the spot when the US and USSR established relations, he could make himself indispensable and start a career in the foreign service. Remarkably, he pulled it of.

Marooned in Moscow
May 01, 2011

Marooned in Moscow

This gripping autobiography plays out against the backdrop of Russia's bloody Civil War, and was one of the first Western eyewitness accounts of life in post-revolutionary Russia. Marooned in Moscow provides a fascinating account of one woman's entry into war-torn Russia in early 1920, first-person impressions of many in the top Soviet leadership, and accounts of the author's increasingly dangerous work as a journalist and spy, to say nothing of her work on behalf of prisoners, her two arrests, and her eventual ten-month-long imprisonment, including in the infamous Lubyanka prison. It is a veritable encyclopedia of life in Russia in the early 1920s.

Steppe
July 15, 2022

Steppe

This is the work that made Chekhov, launching his career as a writer and playwright of national and international renown. Retranslated and updated, this new bilingual edition is a super way to improve your Russian.

About Us

Russian Life is the 31-year-old publication of an award-winning publishing house that also creates books, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955