March 22, 2013

Russia to Purchase Cyprus


Russia to Purchase Cyprus

MOSCOW (22 March 2013) – In a move that has taken even seasoned Kremlin watchers by surprise, Russia today agreed to purchase Cyprus in a bold stroke to save the troubled archipelagic country and by extension the Eurozone.

The two countries had been in talks to avert a Eurobank austerity measure that would tax Russian oligarchs' cash holdings squirreled in Cypriot banks when, a source with knowledge of the negotiations revealed, Cyprus President Nicos Anastasiades sought to relieve some tension with a joke.

"Well, you could always buy us," Anastasiades said.

An uncomfortable silence spread over the room, the source who was present at the talks said.

"Mozhno," (We could), replied Russian President Putin.

Anastasiades was a bit taken aback, but soon realized that in every joke there is a measure of wisdom. Putin reportedly turned to Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, who raised his left eyebrow in assent.

"Budem," (We will) Putin continued. "Russia has long sought a base in the Mediterranean, and we have good relations with Turkey. We will do this."

President Anastasiades, the source present at the talks said, broke out into a cold sweat, realizing that the negotiations were fast spinning out of his control.

"But, excuse me, Mister President," Anastasiades said, "you cannot just buy a whole country. There are 800,000 Cypriots."

"Now they will be Russians."

"But–"

"What is your GDP? $25 billion? You have public debt of $15 billion, so this is simple deal. We will buy you for $30 billion. You pay off your debt and have $15 billion to spare. Enough to run your deficit economy for a decade."

"Er–"

"Listen, this is good thing for you. You are a net importer. When you become part of Russia, you will become an export country overnight. You will send us oranges, we will send you gas. You will keep our money in our banks, host our tourists. We will rename Nicosia to Nicosiovich. It will be like a new Cuba. Only closer. With a Russian naval base."

"You don't seriously think that the US and the EU will accept this?"

"What business is it of theirs? This is just between us."

Another long, uncomfortable pause descended over the room. Finally, Anastasiades broke the silence.

"What–... um, how soon can we close?"

Putin turned to Medvedev, who this time raised his right eyebrow.

"One week," Putin replied. "We can close on April 1."

Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of our Books

The Moscow Eccentric
December 01, 2016

The Moscow Eccentric

Advance reviewers are calling this new translation "a coup" and "a remarkable achievement." This rediscovered gem of a novel by one of Russia's finest writers explores some of the thorniest issues of the early twentieth century.

Steppe
July 15, 2022

Steppe

This is the work that made Chekhov, launching his career as a writer and playwright of national and international renown. Retranslated and updated, this new bilingual edition is a super way to improve your Russian.

The Little Humpbacked Horse
November 03, 2014

The Little Humpbacked Horse

A beloved Russian classic about a resourceful Russian peasant, Vanya, and his miracle-working horse, who together undergo various trials, exploits and adventures at the whim of a laughable tsar, told in rich, narrative poetry.

93 Untranslatable Russian Words
December 01, 2008

93 Untranslatable Russian Words

Every language has concepts, ideas, words and idioms that are nearly impossible to translate into another language. This book looks at nearly 100 such Russian words and offers paths to their understanding and translation by way of examples from literature and everyday life. Difficult to translate words and concepts are introduced with dictionary definitions, then elucidated with citations from literature, speech and prose, helping the student of Russian comprehend the word/concept in context.

Survival Russian
February 01, 2009

Survival Russian

Survival Russian is an intensely practical guide to conversational, colloquial and culture-rich Russian. It uses humor, current events and thematically-driven essays to deepen readers’ understanding of Russian language and culture. This enlarged Second Edition of Survival Russian includes over 90 essays and illuminates over 2000 invaluable Russian phrases and words.

Moscow and Muscovites
November 26, 2013

Moscow and Muscovites

Vladimir Gilyarovsky's classic portrait of the Russian capital is one of Russians’ most beloved books. Yet it has never before been translated into English. Until now! It is a spectactular verbal pastiche: conversation, from gutter gibberish to the drawing room; oratory, from illiterates to aristocrats; prose, from boilerplate to Tolstoy; poetry, from earthy humor to Pushkin. 

The Latchkey Murders
July 01, 2015

The Latchkey Murders

Senior Lieutenant Pavel Matyushkin is back on the case in this prequel to the popular mystery Murder at the Dacha, in which a serial killer is on the loose in Khrushchev’s Moscow...

About Us

Russian Life is the 31-year-old publication of an award-winning publishing house that also creates books, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955