March 22, 2013

Russia to Purchase Cyprus


Russia to Purchase Cyprus

MOSCOW (22 March 2013) – In a move that has taken even seasoned Kremlin watchers by surprise, Russia today agreed to purchase Cyprus in a bold stroke to save the troubled archipelagic country and by extension the Eurozone.

The two countries had been in talks to avert a Eurobank austerity measure that would tax Russian oligarchs' cash holdings squirreled in Cypriot banks when, a source with knowledge of the negotiations revealed, Cyprus President Nicos Anastasiades sought to relieve some tension with a joke.

"Well, you could always buy us," Anastasiades said.

An uncomfortable silence spread over the room, the source who was present at the talks said.

"Mozhno," (We could), replied Russian President Putin.

Anastasiades was a bit taken aback, but soon realized that in every joke there is a measure of wisdom. Putin reportedly turned to Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, who raised his left eyebrow in assent.

"Budem," (We will) Putin continued. "Russia has long sought a base in the Mediterranean, and we have good relations with Turkey. We will do this."

President Anastasiades, the source present at the talks said, broke out into a cold sweat, realizing that the negotiations were fast spinning out of his control.

"But, excuse me, Mister President," Anastasiades said, "you cannot just buy a whole country. There are 800,000 Cypriots."

"Now they will be Russians."

"But–"

"What is your GDP? $25 billion? You have public debt of $15 billion, so this is simple deal. We will buy you for $30 billion. You pay off your debt and have $15 billion to spare. Enough to run your deficit economy for a decade."

"Er–"

"Listen, this is good thing for you. You are a net importer. When you become part of Russia, you will become an export country overnight. You will send us oranges, we will send you gas. You will keep our money in our banks, host our tourists. We will rename Nicosia to Nicosiovich. It will be like a new Cuba. Only closer. With a Russian naval base."

"You don't seriously think that the US and the EU will accept this?"

"What business is it of theirs? This is just between us."

Another long, uncomfortable pause descended over the room. Finally, Anastasiades broke the silence.

"What–... um, how soon can we close?"

Putin turned to Medvedev, who this time raised his right eyebrow.

"One week," Putin replied. "We can close on April 1."

Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Maria's War: A Soldier's Autobiography

Maria's War: A Soldier's Autobiography

This astonishingly gripping autobiography by the founder of the Russian Women’s Death Battallion in World War I is an eye-opening documentary of life before, during and after the Bolshevik Revolution.
Marooned in Moscow

Marooned in Moscow

This gripping autobiography plays out against the backdrop of Russia's bloody Civil War, and was one of the first Western eyewitness accounts of life in post-revolutionary Russia. Marooned in Moscow provides a fascinating account of one woman's entry into war-torn Russia in early 1920, first-person impressions of many in the top Soviet leadership, and accounts of the author's increasingly dangerous work as a journalist and spy, to say nothing of her work on behalf of prisoners, her two arrests, and her eventual ten-month-long imprisonment, including in the infamous Lubyanka prison. It is a veritable encyclopedia of life in Russia in the early 1920s.
White Magic

White Magic

The thirteen tales in this volume – all written by Russian émigrés, writers who fled their native country in the early twentieth century – contain a fair dose of magic and mysticism, of terror and the supernatural. There are Petersburg revenants, grief-stricken avengers, Lithuanian vampires, flying skeletons, murders and duels, and even a ghostly Edgar Allen Poe.
Woe From Wit (bilingual)

Woe From Wit (bilingual)

One of the most famous works of Russian literature, the four-act comedy in verse Woe from Wit skewers staid, nineteenth century Russian society, and it positively teems with “winged phrases” that are essential colloquialisms for students of Russian and Russian culture.
Turgenev Bilingual

Turgenev Bilingual

A sampling of Ivan Turgenev's masterful short stories, plays, novellas and novels. Bilingual, with English and accented Russian texts running side by side on adjoining pages.
Davai! The Russians and Their Vodka

Davai! The Russians and Their Vodka

In this comprehensive, quixotic and addictive book, Edwin Trommelen explores all facets of the Russian obsession with vodka. Peering chiefly through the lenses of history and literature, Trommelen offers up an appropriately complex, rich and bittersweet portrait, based on great respect for Russian culture.
Murder and the Muse

Murder and the Muse

KGB Chief Andropov has tapped Matyushkin to solve a brazen jewel heist from Picasso’s wife at the posh Metropole Hotel. But when the case bleeds over into murder, machinations, and international intrigue, not everyone is eager to see where the clues might lead.
93 Untranslatable Russian Words

93 Untranslatable Russian Words

Every language has concepts, ideas, words and idioms that are nearly impossible to translate into another language. This book looks at nearly 100 such Russian words and offers paths to their understanding and translation by way of examples from literature and everyday life. Difficult to translate words and concepts are introduced with dictionary definitions, then elucidated with citations from literature, speech and prose, helping the student of Russian comprehend the word/concept in context.
The Samovar Murders

The Samovar Murders

The murder of a poet is always more than a murder. When a famous writer is brutally stabbed on the campus of Moscow’s Lumumba University, the son of a recently deposed African president confesses, and the case assumes political implications that no one wants any part of.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955