March 22, 2013

Russia to Purchase Cyprus


Russia to Purchase Cyprus

MOSCOW (22 March 2013) – In a move that has taken even seasoned Kremlin watchers by surprise, Russia today agreed to purchase Cyprus in a bold stroke to save the troubled archipelagic country and by extension the Eurozone.

The two countries had been in talks to avert a Eurobank austerity measure that would tax Russian oligarchs' cash holdings squirreled in Cypriot banks when, a source with knowledge of the negotiations revealed, Cyprus President Nicos Anastasiades sought to relieve some tension with a joke.

"Well, you could always buy us," Anastasiades said.

An uncomfortable silence spread over the room, the source who was present at the talks said.

"Mozhno," (We could), replied Russian President Putin.

Anastasiades was a bit taken aback, but soon realized that in every joke there is a measure of wisdom. Putin reportedly turned to Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, who raised his left eyebrow in assent.

"Budem," (We will) Putin continued. "Russia has long sought a base in the Mediterranean, and we have good relations with Turkey. We will do this."

President Anastasiades, the source present at the talks said, broke out into a cold sweat, realizing that the negotiations were fast spinning out of his control.

"But, excuse me, Mister President," Anastasiades said, "you cannot just buy a whole country. There are 800,000 Cypriots."

"Now they will be Russians."

"But–"

"What is your GDP? $25 billion? You have public debt of $15 billion, so this is simple deal. We will buy you for $30 billion. You pay off your debt and have $15 billion to spare. Enough to run your deficit economy for a decade."

"Er–"

"Listen, this is good thing for you. You are a net importer. When you become part of Russia, you will become an export country overnight. You will send us oranges, we will send you gas. You will keep our money in our banks, host our tourists. We will rename Nicosia to Nicosiovich. It will be like a new Cuba. Only closer. With a Russian naval base."

"You don't seriously think that the US and the EU will accept this?"

"What business is it of theirs? This is just between us."

Another long, uncomfortable pause descended over the room. Finally, Anastasiades broke the silence.

"What–... um, how soon can we close?"

Putin turned to Medvedev, who this time raised his right eyebrow.

"One week," Putin replied. "We can close on April 1."

Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

The Life Stories collection is a nice introduction to contemporary Russian fiction: many of the 19 authors featured here have won major Russian literary prizes and/or become bestsellers. These are life-affirming stories of love, family, hope, rebirth, mystery and imagination, masterfully translated by some of the best Russian-English translators working today. The selections reassert the power of Russian literature to affect readers of all cultures in profound and lasting ways. Best of all, 100% of the profits from the sale of this book are going to benefit Russian hospice—not-for-profit care for fellow human beings who are nearing the end of their own life stories.
The Little Humpbacked Horse (bilingual)

The Little Humpbacked Horse (bilingual)

A beloved Russian classic about a resourceful Russian peasant, Vanya, and his miracle-working horse, who together undergo various trials, exploits and adventures at the whim of a laughable tsar, told in rich, narrative poetry.
Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices

Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices

Stargorod is a mid-sized provincial city that exists only in Russian metaphorical space. It has its roots in Gogol, and Ilf and Petrov, and is a place far from Moscow, but close to Russian hearts. It is a place of mystery and normality, of provincial innocence and Black Earth wisdom. Strange, inexplicable things happen in Stargorod. So do good things. And bad things. A lot like life everywhere, one might say. Only with a heavy dose of vodka, longing and mystery.
White Magic

White Magic

The thirteen tales in this volume – all written by Russian émigrés, writers who fled their native country in the early twentieth century – contain a fair dose of magic and mysticism, of terror and the supernatural. There are Petersburg revenants, grief-stricken avengers, Lithuanian vampires, flying skeletons, murders and duels, and even a ghostly Edgar Allen Poe.
The Latchkey Murders

The Latchkey Murders

Senior Lieutenant Pavel Matyushkin is back on the case in this prequel to the popular mystery Murder at the Dacha, in which a serial killer is on the loose in Khrushchev’s Moscow...
Russian Rules

Russian Rules

From the shores of the White Sea to Moscow and the Northern Caucasus, Russian Rules is a high-speed thriller based on actual events, terrifying possibilities, and some really stupid decisions.
Marooned in Moscow

Marooned in Moscow

This gripping autobiography plays out against the backdrop of Russia's bloody Civil War, and was one of the first Western eyewitness accounts of life in post-revolutionary Russia. Marooned in Moscow provides a fascinating account of one woman's entry into war-torn Russia in early 1920, first-person impressions of many in the top Soviet leadership, and accounts of the author's increasingly dangerous work as a journalist and spy, to say nothing of her work on behalf of prisoners, her two arrests, and her eventual ten-month-long imprisonment, including in the infamous Lubyanka prison. It is a veritable encyclopedia of life in Russia in the early 1920s.
Driving Down Russia's Spine

Driving Down Russia's Spine

The story of the epic Spine of Russia trip, intertwining fascinating subject profiles with digressions into historical and cultural themes relevant to understanding modern Russia. 
Turgenev Bilingual

Turgenev Bilingual

A sampling of Ivan Turgenev's masterful short stories, plays, novellas and novels. Bilingual, with English and accented Russian texts running side by side on adjoining pages.
Woe From Wit (bilingual)

Woe From Wit (bilingual)

One of the most famous works of Russian literature, the four-act comedy in verse Woe from Wit skewers staid, nineteenth century Russian society, and it positively teems with “winged phrases” that are essential colloquialisms for students of Russian and Russian culture.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955