April 01, 2016

Crimea Crisis Solved?


Crimea Crisis Solved?

SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA – In a surprising move that has shocked international pundits, Secretary of State John Kerry today announced he has arranged the de-annexation of Crimea by Russia. 

“As you know,” Kerry said at a hastily arranged press conference before the crumbling Sevastopol city office building, “Foreign Minister Sergei Ivanov and I were meeting here today to discuss the region’s future and Russia’s reintegration into the international community.”

Crimea was annexed by Russia in March 18, 2014, several days after the Black Sea peninsula was occupied by Russian forces in unmarked uniforms. Russia has been subjected to vigorous economic sanctions by the US and Europe as a result of the action. But, since that was not deemed sufficient, Russia imposed further sanctions on itself, all but barring all foreign imports.

“It was really quite simple,” Kerry said, his notoriously stony visage cracking into an impish grin. “I mentioned to Minister Ivanov that I really liked Crimea, in fact I liked it a lot. And then I sort of let the pause hang there... for a long time.

“As you may know,” Kerry said, his eyes now twinkling, “it is a Russian tradition that, if a guest expresses appreciation for something in your home, you must gift it to them.”

Aides to Kerry who were in the room said Ivanov tried to wait out the pause, but in the end gave a hideous growl and finally said, “You like it, it’s yours. Take it!”

“Ok, I will,” Kerry said.

The Russian navy is to begin an immediate evacuation from this port city, and Kerry took a cell phone call from Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko while still at the press conference podium.

“Petka! You’ll never guess what I’ve got for you,” he grinned into the phone.


At press time, all attempts to confirm the facts in this report proved impossible, given the April 1 holiday.

You Might Also Like

Kremlin Words Versus Deeds, A Gaping Chasm?
  • March 02, 2014

Kremlin Words Versus Deeds, A Gaping Chasm?

Russia's occupation of Crimea, part of the sovereign nation of Ukraine, is wrong. It is wrong under international law, it is in violation of several treaties Russia has with Ukraine and the West, and it is even wrong according to Russia's own foreign policy "principles." So why did it happen?
Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Okudzhava Bilingual

Okudzhava Bilingual

Poems, songs and autobiographical sketches by Bulat Okudzhava, the king of the Russian bards. 
Jews in Service to the Tsar

Jews in Service to the Tsar

Benjamin Disraeli advised, “Read no history: nothing but biography, for that is life without theory.” With Jews in Service to the Tsar, Lev Berdnikov offers us 28 biographies spanning five centuries of Russian Jewish history, and each portrait opens a new window onto the history of Eastern Europe’s Jews, illuminating dark corners and challenging widely-held conceptions about the role of Jews in Russian history.
Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

The Life Stories collection is a nice introduction to contemporary Russian fiction: many of the 19 authors featured here have won major Russian literary prizes and/or become bestsellers. These are life-affirming stories of love, family, hope, rebirth, mystery and imagination, masterfully translated by some of the best Russian-English translators working today. The selections reassert the power of Russian literature to affect readers of all cultures in profound and lasting ways. Best of all, 100% of the profits from the sale of this book are going to benefit Russian hospice—not-for-profit care for fellow human beings who are nearing the end of their own life stories.
A Taste of Russia

A Taste of Russia

The definitive modern cookbook on Russian cuisine has been totally updated and redesigned in a 30th Anniversary Edition. Layering superbly researched recipes with informative essays on the dishes' rich historical and cultural context, A Taste of Russia includes over 200 recipes on everything from borshch to blini, from Salmon Coulibiac to Beef Stew with Rum, from Marinated Mushrooms to Walnut-honey Filled Pies. A Taste of Russia shows off the best that Russian cooking has to offer. Full of great quotes from Russian literature about Russian food and designed in a convenient wide format that stays open during use.
The Samovar Murders

The Samovar Murders

The murder of a poet is always more than a murder. When a famous writer is brutally stabbed on the campus of Moscow’s Lumumba University, the son of a recently deposed African president confesses, and the case assumes political implications that no one wants any part of.
Dostoyevsky Bilingual

Dostoyevsky Bilingual

Bilingual series of short, lesser known, but highly significant works that show the traditional view of Dostoyevsky as a dour, intense, philosophical writer to be unnecessarily one-sided. 
White Magic

White Magic

The thirteen tales in this volume – all written by Russian émigrés, writers who fled their native country in the early twentieth century – contain a fair dose of magic and mysticism, of terror and the supernatural. There are Petersburg revenants, grief-stricken avengers, Lithuanian vampires, flying skeletons, murders and duels, and even a ghostly Edgar Allen Poe.
Russian Rules

Russian Rules

From the shores of the White Sea to Moscow and the Northern Caucasus, Russian Rules is a high-speed thriller based on actual events, terrifying possibilities, and some really stupid decisions.
Steppe / Степь (bilingual)

Steppe / Степь (bilingual)

This is the work that made Chekhov, launching his career as a writer and playwright of national and international renown. Retranslated and updated, this new bilingual edition is a super way to improve your Russian.
Moscow and Muscovites

Moscow and Muscovites

Vladimir Gilyarovsky's classic portrait of the Russian capital is one of Russians’ most beloved books. Yet it has never before been translated into English. Until now! It is a spectactular verbal pastiche: conversation, from gutter gibberish to the drawing room; oratory, from illiterates to aristocrats; prose, from boilerplate to Tolstoy; poetry, from earthy humor to Pushkin. 

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955