January 20, 2020

You'll Spritz Your Eye Out: Testing Putin Cologne


You'll Spritz Your Eye Out: Testing Putin Cologne

Anyone who's ever welcomed a born-and-bred Russian into their home knows that it’s customary for guests to bring a gift. Typically, this might be flowers, chocolates, or a refrigerator magnet. When, however, Petersburg friends called at my family’s home the day after Thanksgiving for dinner and catching up, they brought with them an early Christmas gift for the hosting men: Russian “Superman Blue Line” cologne – the packaging for which boldly sports an image of President Vladimir Putin in sunglasses.

“Putinmania,” of course, is nothing new: we've in past noted 13 fascinating Putin-related activities rocking the Russian Federation. However, I was rather surprised by this gift. Even though, as a grad student, I am rarely compelled to don a suit and tie (a perk), and my sunglasses are bought exclusively from the CVS bargain rack, my hope was that “Superman Blue Line” would impart to me just a little more swagger, and, perhaps, even up my judo skills. After all, doesn’t every woman want a man (who smells) like Putin?

Part I: Unboxing

The first thing I’m struck by is that, from the front, this doesn’t seem to be a Russian product. All the writing on the side is in English or French (“eau de toilette”).

Wait, there’s a Russian flag on the side. And the back reads, in Russian: “Туалетная вода для мужчин серии Superman ‘Blue Line.’”

Translated, that’s: “Men's cologne, from the Superman ‘Blue Line’ series.”

Trust me, it sounds better in Russian.

The ingredients follow, all in Russian, as well as notes for usage and storage, as well as information on the company. I tried Googling “Superman Blue Line Cologne” and came up with only Clark Kent-related results, as if this product doesn’t exist on the internet. Strangely, too, Putin isn’t mentioned anywhere on the box, aside from the photo. I suppose the fact that Putin is the “superman” in question is simply assumed. But of course, it is. I mean, who else hangs out with wild horses in his spare time?

I’m next surprised at how hard it is to open the box. But that just heightens the mystery. If I’m going to get this bottle out without tearing the cardboard, I need to think with the cunning of a KGB agent, the agility of an ultralight pilot, and the scientific mind of an underwater archaeologist.

Scissors work too.

Part II: Application

The bottle itself is high-quality; that’s nice. Seems like solid glass, nice and sleek, hefty, almost. The design is minimalist, with a sticker mirroring the front of the box. While I keep getting the impression that the sticker might be just the slightest bit crooked, it oozes cool. I rarely wear this sort of thing, but I guess I could start. I could see it definitely contributing to a history seminar discussion.

I’m a fan of the “spritz-upward-and-walk-through” method, so I take off the cap — matte plastic, but decent quality — and give it a shot. A geyser of the stuff plumes into the air, and I make three measured steps to let it wash over me.

I’m no connoisseur, but if I were to describe the scent of this men’s cologne, I would compare it to the scent of men’s cologne.

I can feel the manliness seeping into my pores. Yes, I’d love to go mushrooming in Siberia, how did you know?

No one’s around, so I look to my dog, beaming for approval. She stops gnawing on her rubber ball for a moment, sniffs twice, and goes back to it. Superman Blue Line is Luna-approved, apparently; fitting, since Putin is also an avid dog person.

Part III: Aftermath

A few hours pass, and it’s still around. While I honestly appreciated its strength at the beginning, I’m beginning to feel like it’s been around too long: the smell is stuck in my nostrils. Frankly, the correct word might be “stagnating.” Despite my best efforts, the cologne is still, stubbornly, sticking around.

All in all, though, it’s a solid cologne, in that it fulfilled its purpose of making me smell like men’s cologne. Did it change my life? No; my martial arts skills failed to materialize. Did it smell decent? Yes.

Regarding swagger, I started at 0, probably, so it had nowhere to go but up. So Superman Blue Line objectively did a great job of making me cooler than I already was. Next time I have a formal event I'll have to wear it. In my case, that will probably be a local academic conference.

Oh, and I’m not sure if it’s too early, but I’d like a tiger cub for my birthday.

Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Faith & Humor: Notes from Muscovy

Faith & Humor: Notes from Muscovy

A book that dares to explore the humanity of priests and pilgrims, saints and sinners, Faith & Humor has been both a runaway bestseller in Russia and the focus of heated controversy – as often happens when a thoughtful writer takes on sacred cows. The stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, dialogues and adventures in this volume comprise an encyclopedia of modern Russian Orthodoxy, and thereby of Russian life.
Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

The Life Stories collection is a nice introduction to contemporary Russian fiction: many of the 19 authors featured here have won major Russian literary prizes and/or become bestsellers. These are life-affirming stories of love, family, hope, rebirth, mystery and imagination, masterfully translated by some of the best Russian-English translators working today. The selections reassert the power of Russian literature to affect readers of all cultures in profound and lasting ways. Best of all, 100% of the profits from the sale of this book are going to benefit Russian hospice—not-for-profit care for fellow human beings who are nearing the end of their own life stories.
Turgenev Bilingual

Turgenev Bilingual

A sampling of Ivan Turgenev's masterful short stories, plays, novellas and novels. Bilingual, with English and accented Russian texts running side by side on adjoining pages.
Fish: A History of One Migration

Fish: A History of One Migration

This mesmerizing novel from one of Russia’s most important modern authors traces the life journey of a selfless Russian everywoman. In the wake of the Soviet breakup, inexorable forces drag Vera across the breadth of the Russian empire. Facing a relentless onslaught of human and social trials, she swims against the current of life, countering adversity and pain with compassion and hope, in many ways personifying Mother Russia’s torment and resilience amid the Soviet disintegration.
Jews in Service to the Tsar

Jews in Service to the Tsar

Benjamin Disraeli advised, “Read no history: nothing but biography, for that is life without theory.” With Jews in Service to the Tsar, Lev Berdnikov offers us 28 biographies spanning five centuries of Russian Jewish history, and each portrait opens a new window onto the history of Eastern Europe’s Jews, illuminating dark corners and challenging widely-held conceptions about the role of Jews in Russian history.
How Russia Got That Way

How Russia Got That Way

A fast-paced crash course in Russian history, from Norsemen to Navalny, that explores the ways the Kremlin uses history to achieve its ends.
The Frogs Who Begged for a Tsar (bilingual)

The Frogs Who Begged for a Tsar (bilingual)

The fables of Ivan Krylov are rich fonts of Russian cultural wisdom and experience – reading and understanding them is vital to grasping the Russian worldview. This new edition of 62 of Krylov’s tales presents them side-by-side in English and Russian. The wonderfully lyrical translations by Lydia Razran Stone are accompanied by original, whimsical color illustrations by Katya Korobkina.
Fearful Majesty

Fearful Majesty

This acclaimed biography of one of Russia’s most important and tyrannical rulers is not only a rich, readable biography, it is also surprisingly timely, revealing how many of the issues Russia faces today have their roots in Ivan’s reign.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955