August 10, 2017

A One Act Play in Nine Scenes


A One Act Play in Nine Scenes
Misha models his new outfit.

Any good expedition has its lighter moments. We have collected nine such scenes from recent days into a one-act play for your enjoyment. Be warned that an oversized container of Chekhov Ale (cherry flavored) influenced the writing of this play. Performance rights are not available for licensing.

 

Kolomna. Paul and Misha are walking to the kremlin to see the sights. 

PAUL: You’re wearing shorts. You won’t be able to go inside the churches.

MISHA: I’m a man, of course they will let me in.

Time passes. Things are observed. The disparately-clad travelers approach the church.

BABUSHKA: Young man, your shorts are too short.

MISHA: I am just going to go in and look at the church.

BABUSHKA: You can’t go in there with naked knees.

Babushka leads Misha offstage, where she offers an assortment of skirts.

MISHA: I’ll take the longest one you have.

* * *

Tarusa. In the middle of our interview with Marina Goncharova, Misha checks the record button of the camera, gets up and leaves the room. He is gone for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20. We take a break and Nadya turns to our host, Marina.

NADYA: Where did Misha go? 

MARINA: He is napping in the kitchen. Between two stools. By the time I came back to give him a pillow, he was already asleep.

* * *

Moscow. Misha goes out at the end of the day to deliver a hard disk to our film editor, so she can start work on the movie. Shortly after he leaves the apartment, a torrential rain rocks the capital. It goes on for 15 minutes before Nadya finally decides to call and check up on him.

NADYA: Misha, where are you, are you ok? Did you get caught in the rain?

MISHA: What rain? I don’t see any rain. But the underpass I am standing in is filling up with water.

* * * 

Misha eats his burger glove-free.

Samara. The restaurant known as Meat.

Paul orders a burger and a beer. When it comes, he proceeds to pick it up.

WAITER: You may use the gloves that we gave you to eat your burger.

PAUL (sotto voce): You don’t need to teach an American how to eat a burger.

* * *

Samara. After the social worker, Nadezhda, takes Vera Yefimova’s blood pressure, she asks if anyone else wants theirs taken. Paul volunteers. It registers 133 over 80.

NADEZHDA: That’s not so bad. A bit high for someone your age.

PAUL: That’s interesting. And just what would you say my age is? 

The social worker stares long and hard, realizing she has put herself into a sticky spot.

NADEZHDA: Oh, I would say about 33?

Paul stands up and gives a long hug to the charitable social worker who has just given him back 20 years of his life. 

* * *

Moscow. The interview with Galina Grebneva has wrapped up. Misha starts taking pictures and gives Galina some direction.

MISHA: Galina Valerianovna, look at Paul.

Galina looks toward the floor. 

(In Russian, “Paul” is pronounced “pol”, which is the word for floor.)

* * *

Nizhegorodskaya oblast. Our heroes drive to an appointed meeting with Yelizaveta Lakeyeva, in the village of Konyovo. They arrive in the village at the specified house. The unpainted, wooden building is in awful condition. It is falling down, the roof has caved in, the windows are broken, and the inside appears to be charred from a fire. Misha gets on the phone to the social worker, Valentina, who looks after Yelizaveta.

MISHA: We are standing in front of your house. It is abandoned and destroyed.

VALENTINA: No, everything is fine with our house. We are waiting for you. When you drove over the river, did you turn left or right?

MISHA: What river? There was no river.

VALENTINA: What Konyovo are you in?

MISHA: ??? 

MISHA: We are in Konyovo, Balakhninsky rayon.

VALENTINA: You went to the wrong Konyovo. We are in Konyovo, Gorodetsky rayon.

MISHA: @^#&!#!

* * *

A dimly lit kitchen outside Moscow. Late morning. Misha has been sneezing at every session, apparently due to the dust amid old photos and documents. As a prophylactic, before setting out in the morning, Paul gave Misha a Benadryl from his travel survival pack.

PAUL: How is the antihistamine working?

MISHA: It’s great. I haven’t sneezed once.

PAUL: Good to hear. The first pill is free. The next one is $10.

* * *

Paul gets excited about his new shoes. 

Moscow. Outside the store Smeshnie Tseny (Hilarious Prices). Paul sends a boasting text to his daughter, far away.

PAUL: Picked up a deal on some Nike Frees for $14. Pretty sure they are 100% legit.

DAUGHTER: Haha. Probably.

Paul changes into the shoes. A faint ripping sound is heard as Paul laces the second shoe onto his sea-ferry sized feet. 

MISHA (smiling): What are they, special, single-use Nikes?

PAUL: That’s just the sound of your envy. They only need to last to Irkutsk.

Two days and three wearings later.

NADYA: Paul, why aren’t you wearing your new Nikes?

PAUL: I threw them out.

NADYA: What? You threw away your new shoes? That’s ridiculous. Why? 

PAUL: I could not in good conscience wear shoes that made my feet scream in pain.

Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Marooned in Moscow

Marooned in Moscow

This gripping autobiography plays out against the backdrop of Russia's bloody Civil War, and was one of the first Western eyewitness accounts of life in post-revolutionary Russia. Marooned in Moscow provides a fascinating account of one woman's entry into war-torn Russia in early 1920, first-person impressions of many in the top Soviet leadership, and accounts of the author's increasingly dangerous work as a journalist and spy, to say nothing of her work on behalf of prisoners, her two arrests, and her eventual ten-month-long imprisonment, including in the infamous Lubyanka prison. It is a veritable encyclopedia of life in Russia in the early 1920s.
White Magic

White Magic

The thirteen tales in this volume – all written by Russian émigrés, writers who fled their native country in the early twentieth century – contain a fair dose of magic and mysticism, of terror and the supernatural. There are Petersburg revenants, grief-stricken avengers, Lithuanian vampires, flying skeletons, murders and duels, and even a ghostly Edgar Allen Poe.
The Little Golden Calf

The Little Golden Calf

Our edition of The Little Golden Calf, one of the greatest Russian satires ever, is the first new translation of this classic novel in nearly fifty years. It is also the first unabridged, uncensored English translation ever, and is 100% true to the original 1931 serial publication in the Russian journal 30 Dnei. Anne O. Fisher’s translation is copiously annotated, and includes an introduction by Alexandra Ilf, the daughter of one of the book’s two co-authors.
93 Untranslatable Russian Words

93 Untranslatable Russian Words

Every language has concepts, ideas, words and idioms that are nearly impossible to translate into another language. This book looks at nearly 100 such Russian words and offers paths to their understanding and translation by way of examples from literature and everyday life. Difficult to translate words and concepts are introduced with dictionary definitions, then elucidated with citations from literature, speech and prose, helping the student of Russian comprehend the word/concept in context.
The Moscow Eccentric

The Moscow Eccentric

Advance reviewers are calling this new translation "a coup" and "a remarkable achievement." This rediscovered gem of a novel by one of Russia's finest writers explores some of the thorniest issues of the early twentieth century.
Murder at the Dacha

Murder at the Dacha

Senior Lieutenant Pavel Matyushkin has a problem. Several, actually. Not the least of them is the fact that a powerful Soviet boss has been murdered, and Matyushkin's surly commander has given him an unreasonably short time frame to close the case.
Faith & Humor: Notes from Muscovy

Faith & Humor: Notes from Muscovy

A book that dares to explore the humanity of priests and pilgrims, saints and sinners, Faith & Humor has been both a runaway bestseller in Russia and the focus of heated controversy – as often happens when a thoughtful writer takes on sacred cows. The stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, dialogues and adventures in this volume comprise an encyclopedia of modern Russian Orthodoxy, and thereby of Russian life.
Fish: A History of One Migration

Fish: A History of One Migration

This mesmerizing novel from one of Russia’s most important modern authors traces the life journey of a selfless Russian everywoman. In the wake of the Soviet breakup, inexorable forces drag Vera across the breadth of the Russian empire. Facing a relentless onslaught of human and social trials, she swims against the current of life, countering adversity and pain with compassion and hope, in many ways personifying Mother Russia’s torment and resilience amid the Soviet disintegration.
The Little Humpbacked Horse

The Little Humpbacked Horse

A beloved Russian classic about a resourceful Russian peasant, Vanya, and his miracle-working horse, who together undergo various trials, exploits and adventures at the whim of a laughable tsar, told in rich, narrative poetry.
Steppe / Степь

Steppe / Степь

This is the work that made Chekhov, launching his career as a writer and playwright of national and international renown. Retranslated and updated, this new bilingual edition is a super way to improve your Russian.
The Latchkey Murders

The Latchkey Murders

Senior Lieutenant Pavel Matyushkin is back on the case in this prequel to the popular mystery Murder at the Dacha, in which a serial killer is on the loose in Khrushchev’s Moscow...

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955