Indicted War Criminal Plays Convicted Felon Like Fiddle

In the first US-Russian Presidential summit since Russia began its full-scale invasion of Ukraine in February 2022, the leaders of the two countries met at a remote Alaskan military base, shook hands, smiled, walked down a very long red carpet, drove around in the US limousine nicknamed “The Beast,” and then proceeded to resolve exactly nothing. 

In the buildup to the summit, Convicted Felon and Twice-Impeached President of the United States Donald Trump issued an ultimatum that there would be "severe consequences" for Putin if progress was not made on ending the war. 

No such progress was made, and so Trump let loose his flying monkeys. As he stated in a post-summit interview with Fox Newspeak, "I may have to think about it in two weeks or three weeks or something, but we don't have to think about that right now."

Indicted International War Criminal and Russian President for Life Vladimir Putin said in the joint press statement after the leaders’ long private meeting that he was "sincerely interested" in ending his War on Ukraine. But he also said that, to settle it, the "primary roots" of the conflict and the "legitimate concerns" for Russia had to be considered. Those concerns were not specifically noted, but most observers feel they stem from the fact that an independent country named Ukraine has the nerve to exist on Russia’s western border. 

“There’s no deal until there’s a deal,” Trump said with the vacuous pomposity for which he is noted. Also, he said Ukrainian President should “take the deal.”

“It would be hard to imagine an event that could have gone better from the point of view of the Russian leader,” wrote The New York Times. 

Wolfgang Ischinger, head of the Munich Security Conference, said the summit was a clear "1-0" victory for Putin. "Putin got his red carpet treatment with Trump, while Trump got nothing," he posted on X. "As was to be feared: no ceasefire, no peace."

“The photo-op in and of itself essentially legitimizes war crimes,” said Senator Chris Murphy, Democrat of Connecticut. “[It] telegraphs to other autocrats or evil men around the world that they can get away with murdering civilians and still get a photo-op with the president of the United States.” 

Trump said that he would rate the meeting a 10 out of 10, saying, "I think the meeting was a 10 in the sense that we got along great."  

When asked about what agreements were made at his Alaskan Nothingburger Summit, Trump noted cryptically, "some are not that significant. One is probably the most significant. We have a very good chance of getting there. We didn't get there."