Down and Dirty Journalism (Or, Poo-tin)

Putin is just like us. He has a dog, plays sports, and uses the restroom.

Of course, the last of these creates a security concern. After all, access to a powerful man's DNA, through spit, urine, and other bodily fluids, could mean disaster at the highest levels of the Russian state. And according to the blog of independent Russian journalist Farida Rustamova, the effort to keep Putin's "biomaterials" secure has led to some ridiculous measures.

Faridaily's article on how Putin's DNA stays safe includes some practices that are fairly benign: for instance, it was noted in 2019 that Putin brought his own mug to a G20 summit, a vessel that was closely watched by security to ensure that it remained in the right hands.

When it comes to bodily waste, however, security guards have a distinctly messier job. According to Rustamova, Putin uses a portable toilet when on the road to ensure the security of his waste. While in Russia, guards are permitted to empty and refresh the commode. Abroad, the waste is preserved for security reasons and only destroyed on the return to Moscow.

Faridaily also pointed out that the preservation of Putin's poo these days could be tied to a chronic disease, as speculated by the French press, but that's pure conjecture.

We can only imagine that his Black Sea mansion has some sort of security gadget in its septic system, too.