February 15, 2017

Spies Like Them


Spies Like Them
Yep, definitely spies.

News is now breaking on a daily basis about questionable ties between Trump World and Kremlindom. As the FBI investigation deepens, we thought it would be useful – a public service, really – to provide a few handy tips, based on our years of experience in the Russian milieu.

Paul Manafort, President Trump’s ousted campaign manager who is being investigated by the FBI (and the CIA, NSA, ODNI and FinCEN), and who has not yet been charged with any crimes, said in Tuesday interview with the New York Times about the Trump campaign’s extensive contacts with Russian intelligence and government officials:

“This is absurd, I have no idea what this is referring to. I have never knowingly spoken to Russian intelligence officers, and I have never been involved with anything to do with the Russian government or the Putin administration or any other issues under investigation today... It’s not like these people wear badges that say, ‘I’m a Russian intelligence officer.’”

Well, actually they sort of do. You just have to now what the “badges” look like. Here are seven signs that should help.

Seven Habits of Highly Successful Russian Intelligence Officers

  1. The Leather Jacket. No, a Russian Intelligence Officer cannot be immediately recognized by his (or her) bare torso. That’s a Putin/SNL thing. Since the 1920s, the well-groomed male Russian intel operative has had a thing for leather jackets. It’s the crinkly sound it makes when he shuffles his shoulders. Sounds like the skin of your enemies.
  2. The English that is just a bit too good. Your typical Russian operative will try to pass himself off as a Scandinavian, because no American speaks Norwegian or Finnish and cannot ask probing questions about that part of the world. Great cover, right? So, don’t expect the stereotypical Rocky & Bulwinkle accent. But do listen closely to their Vs, which will often sound like Ws, unless the spy was really studious in his linguistic classes. Oh, and Russians also can’t properly say the A in apple. So take your suspected operative out for a drink and get them to ask for a Vodka Appletini. If they say “Wodka Eppelteeny,” it’s time to leave.
  3. The solicitous tone. Years of training in a secret location outside Murmansk on how to wear baseball caps and talk like an American has a way of turning subjects into self-satisfied, overconfident jerks. It’s something they just can’t hide. And while the training up there in the Arctic is definitely superb, there are gaps. Pierce their overconfidence by asking something unexpected, like whether a batter can be struck out on foul balls, or what the difference is between a bogie and an eagle. (Hint: It’s a good idea to know the right answer before you ask.)
  4. They are married and have killer hand-to-hand combat skills. Seriously. Married people are more trusted than solo operators, so obviously that is how the Russians are going to set themselves up in America. Which means that pretty much you should not trust anyone who is married, or who says they are married, and especially married couples that run travel agencies. For instruction, watch The Americans. It’s on TV, so obviously it’s true.
  5. The look in their eyes. It’s called a squinch – something between a squint and a glare. Steely gazes and granite faces are bred into these guys. They are like Secret Service agents, only their visages can stand up to much larger quantities of caviar and vodka.
  6. The fact that they are into you. If a beautiful Moscow University graduate takes an interest in you and you are a paunchy, middle-aged guy with a security clearance, you should probably be suspicious.
  7. The fact that their phones are bugged. Yeah, so if you hear a funny click on the line when you are chatting by phone, that’s sort of a tell. But then everyone knows that, right? Well, except certain NSC appointees.

Like this sort of spy stuff? Then you’ll love our Chtenia issue: Spies and Imposters, as well our our three-novel series, The Case Files of Pavel Matyushkin, the most recent of which is Murder and the Muse (the first two were Murder at the Dacha and The Latchkey Murders).


Image: The Americans digital wallpaper

Tags: spiesKGB
Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Murder and the Muse

Murder and the Muse

KGB Chief Andropov has tapped Matyushkin to solve a brazen jewel heist from Picasso’s wife at the posh Metropole Hotel. But when the case bleeds over into murder, machinations, and international intrigue, not everyone is eager to see where the clues might lead.
The Frogs Who Begged for a Tsar

The Frogs Who Begged for a Tsar

The fables of Ivan Krylov are rich fonts of Russian cultural wisdom and experience – reading and understanding them is vital to grasping the Russian worldview. This new edition of 62 of Krylov’s tales presents them side-by-side in English and Russian. The wonderfully lyrical translations by Lydia Razran Stone are accompanied by original, whimsical color illustrations by Katya Korobkina.
22 Russian Crosswords

22 Russian Crosswords

Test your knowledge of the Russian language, Russian history and society with these 22 challenging puzzles taken from the pages of Russian Life magazine. Most all the clues are in English, but you must fill in the answers in Russian. If you get stumped, of course all the puzzles have answers printed at the back of the book.
White Magic

White Magic

The thirteen tales in this volume – all written by Russian émigrés, writers who fled their native country in the early twentieth century – contain a fair dose of magic and mysticism, of terror and the supernatural. There are Petersburg revenants, grief-stricken avengers, Lithuanian vampires, flying skeletons, murders and duels, and even a ghostly Edgar Allen Poe.
At the Circus

At the Circus

This wonderful novella by Alexander Kuprin tells the story of the wrestler Arbuzov and his battle against a renowned American wrestler. Rich in detail and characterization, At the Circus brims with excitement and life. You can smell the sawdust in the big top, see the vivid and colorful characters, sense the tension build as Arbuzov readies to face off against the American.
A Taste of Chekhov

A Taste of Chekhov

This compact volume is an introduction to the works of Chekhov the master storyteller, via nine stories spanning the last twenty years of his life.
93 Untranslatable Russian Words

93 Untranslatable Russian Words

Every language has concepts, ideas, words and idioms that are nearly impossible to translate into another language. This book looks at nearly 100 such Russian words and offers paths to their understanding and translation by way of examples from literature and everyday life. Difficult to translate words and concepts are introduced with dictionary definitions, then elucidated with citations from literature, speech and prose, helping the student of Russian comprehend the word/concept in context.
Woe From Wit (bilingual)

Woe From Wit (bilingual)

One of the most famous works of Russian literature, the four-act comedy in verse Woe from Wit skewers staid, nineteenth century Russian society, and it positively teems with “winged phrases” that are essential colloquialisms for students of Russian and Russian culture.
Driving Down Russia's Spine

Driving Down Russia's Spine

The story of the epic Spine of Russia trip, intertwining fascinating subject profiles with digressions into historical and cultural themes relevant to understanding modern Russia. 
The Samovar Murders

The Samovar Murders

The murder of a poet is always more than a murder. When a famous writer is brutally stabbed on the campus of Moscow’s Lumumba University, the son of a recently deposed African president confesses, and the case assumes political implications that no one wants any part of.
Davai! The Russians and Their Vodka

Davai! The Russians and Their Vodka

In this comprehensive, quixotic and addictive book, Edwin Trommelen explores all facets of the Russian obsession with vodka. Peering chiefly through the lenses of history and literature, Trommelen offers up an appropriately complex, rich and bittersweet portrait, based on great respect for Russian culture.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955