A Cheat Sheet for Tom Hanks

The recent visit of Hollywood megastar Cameron Diaz to Moscow – to promote the launch of the movie Bad Teacher – started my creative juices flowing toward a seasonally appropriate theme: school slang.

The movie’s title in Russian employs the slang term училка, from учительница (female teacher): Очень плохая училка. Diaz’ visit was surely meant to increase the кассовые сборы (box office take) from what turned out to be a very mediocre film, one sure to contribute to the continued оболванивание (mental debilitation) of the Russian population.

In fact, on the пятибальная система оценок (five-point scale) used by our schools, the movie deserves a двойка (2, “unsatisfactory”). Diaz’ acting deserves at best a тройка с минусом (3-), and only because she devoured Russian bliny with caviar on prime-time TV here, saying urbi et orbi “this is delicious.” But Diaz should be happy with this mark, as she, in my mind at least, has never ranked as an отличница (top student) in her acting, more like a троечница (one who only gets 3’s, “satisfactory”). At best, an occasional хорошист (who gets 4’s: четвёрки, a “хорошо” – or rather, хорошистка, though this word is rarely used in feminine).

Hoping for a more fulfilling movie outing, perhaps even a кинематографический шедевр (cinematographic masterpiece), I took my wife to see Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks in Larry Crowne (which Hanks also directed). Plus it fit right in with our school theme.

In the movie, Hanks plays the title role, who is someone we call here a вечный студент (eternal student), an aging student who never grows up, not unlike Pyotr Trofimov in Anton Chekhov’s Cherry Orchard. Sacked from a mega-store for not having a college diploma, Hanks goes back to school, where Roberts is his Speech and Communications teacher.

Hanks does a pale riff on Forest Gump, befriending a cute Latino girl (Roxana Ortega) who tends to прогуливать уроки (skip classes) and zip around town on scooters with her friends, amongst whom the chubby, middle-aged Hanks looks a bit like a ботаник (slang for top students, who like to ботанить – “study hard”). In fact, it’s not long before Hanks becomes a любимчик учителей (teacher’s pet). In his Econ class, which has a funny Japanese препод (slang for преподаватель, “teacher”), Hanks is first to turn in his test, without resorting to a шпаргалка (or шпора, “cheat sheet”).

Meanwhile, the училка Roberts, who has lost her passion for teaching, also loses interest in her porn-addict husband. Divorce is imminent, as is an affair with Crowne, who the Communications училка rewards with a generous пять с плюсом (5+, perfect) on his improvisational final exam speech.

This movie, worthy of a двойка (or пара, банан) stole nearly two hours of my precious leisure time. Better yet, I give it a единица (1), also known as кол. Because an actor of Hanks’ stature and talent should not lower himself to such a бездарный (talentless) film. And, well, if he needs to снова сесть за парту (go back to school) he’d better do it now. And maybe take along a шпаргалка. Because, while as an actor he may be a круглый отличник (all-around top student), as a film director in this case he is at best a двоечник.