Survival Japanese

In my humble opinion, the main obstacle to improvement of Russo-Japanese relations is not the Kurile Islands, but a poor sense of humor in “the land of the rising sun” – в стране восходящего солнца. Our eastern neighbor is too easily offended (обидчивый) while we Russians are more relaxed, saying на обиженных воду возят (those who take offense get to carry water).

So, when President Дмитрий Медведев, notorious for his special sense of humor (at a recent dinner honoring film director Nikita Mikhalkov’s 65th birthday he began his speech by imitating the mumblings of Leonid Brezhnev), recently visited Kunashir, the southernmost Kuril island, the обидчивые overreacted.

It is a mystery to me how the Japanese could not have seen the humor in the president’s escapade. After all, he rode around the island in a Nissan jeep (the only vehicle capable of weathering the local бездорожье (“roadlessness”), and took photographs (surely with a Japanese camera). True, the visit came on the eve of a summit in Japan, but that’s no reason for Japan’s top самураи to делать себе харакири (commit hara-kiri). The archipelagic photo op was not a камикадзе attack on bilateral relations, just more like a clumsy (неуклюжий) decision by the long-time fan of the rock group Deep Purple (authors of My Woman from Tokyo, incidentally).

In point of fact, the Japanese language has penetrated Russian life so deeply that the two nations cannot but peacefully coexist. Modern Russians use Japanese words as easily as if they sprang from Vladimir Dal’s dictionary. In addition to the aforementioned камикадзе, харакири and самураи, we now also have татами, дзюдо (Vladimir Putin’s favorite sport) to say nothing of суши and сакэ. There is even a Moscow restaurant called “Япона мама” (Japanese Mom) – another euphemism for a notorious unprintable swear idiom– the other being японский бог (Japanese God).

Russians also have a bit of a soft spot for Japanese and love to create Russian names and expressions that sound Japanese, with endings like -ава, -то, -по, -ока, or -сё. Some local jokers have even published a glossary of Russian names with Japanese “wrapping,” such as канава-таки яма (literally, “the groove is actually a bump”) or кимоно-то херовато (“the kimono is lousy”). “What’s Japanese for ‘the boss’ secretary’?” the jokers ask. Reply: сукахама (“b***h of a boorish man”). Similarly “the boss’ house” is хатахама (“hut of a boorish man”). “Negotiations” become тодасё (i.e. то да сё – “about this and that”).

It is also worth noting that Japanese хокку (haiku) has made it into Russian. Haiku poems are not rhymed but must have perfect rhythm and a punchy ending. Here are few of my favorites from an internet collection called “Самурайские страдания.” (Samurai Sufferings).

Часто в весеннем лесу 
Пил Рихард Зорге бамбуковый сок
И матом по-русски ругался...

Often in the forest in spring
Richard Sorge drank bamboo juice
And swore in Russian…

Квашеной редьки отведав
Вышел пройтись самурай
И запор излечил в одночасье

Sampling sour radish
The samurai went for a walk
And his constipation cleared up in no time

Да, нелегка самурайская жизнь
Но делать себе харакири
Обидно, поевши пельменей...

Тhe samurai’s life is never easy
And committing hara-kiri
Is regrettable after eating pelmeni...

Perhaps our internet-savvy president will top his Kunashir stunt by opening the next Russian-Japanese state dinner with a humorous haiku (pity the translator!). I swear (to the Japanese god), that it would help “break the ice” (растопить лёд).