The Doctor is In

There you are in Russia, sampling every vat of сметана (sour cream) at an overheated рынок (farmer’s market); twisting your ankle on your tour of Moscow’s cobblestoned past; or just channel-surfing in the hotel, when suddenly you feel an odd abdominal twinge…

And there you are 24 hours later, conferring with friends or the hotel concierge about medical care. Finally someone says, Пора вызывать врача (It’s time to summon a doctor.)

First, let’s just pause here for a moment: A house call! That alone should make скорая медицинская помощь (emergency medical care) more thrilling than panic-inducing.

Besides, медицинский осмотр (a medical exam) starts out easy, language-wise. First, the doctor will ask simple questions. Как вы? (How are you?) Какие проблемы? (What problems are you experiencing?) На что жалуетесь? (What’s your complaint?)

If you’re nervous and your Russian goes out the window, you can answer in equally simple statements that either begin with у меня (I have) or болит (hurts): У меня (I’ve got) понос (diarrhea), рвота (vomiting), высокая температура (a high temperature), кашель (a cough). Болит (there’s pain in) лодыжка (my ankle), желудок (stomach), поясница (lower back), голова (head), or even тут (here – accompanied by pointing).

Then there will be a long discussion of the kind of pain you are experiencing. Какая боль? (What kind of pain is it?) You think you know until you hear all the options: ноющая (aching), тупая (dull), острая (sharp), постоянная (constant), периодическая (periodic), or perhaps схваткообразная (cramp-like). This will be followed by the one-word question, Можно? (May I?) – a request to examine whatever hurts.

The only question you should worry about is: Когда был последний приём пищи? (When was the last time you ate?) That translates from medicalese into normal Russian as: Кладём вас в больницу на обследование. (We’re putting you in the hospital for tests.)

In or out of the hospital, it may be helpful to know some aspects of Russian medical etiquette and practices that differ from what you may be used to. First of all, you can call your physician, “ доктор” (doctor) or address her by name and patronymic ( Мария Ивановна), but you never say “ Доктор Смирнова”.

Second, the folks who love getting naked in the баня (bathhouse) with a hundred strangers think your body modesty is just plain silly. Раздевайтесь (take off your clothes), снимайте штаны (drop your pants), поднимайте кофту (lift your blouse). Just do it.

Third, Russian doctors haven’t met a drug they didn’t want to prescribe. You will march off to the local аптека (pharmacy) with a pile of scripts for антибиотики (antibiotics), анти-воспалительное средство (anti-inflammatory), мазь (ointment), общеукрепляющее средство (general tonic). And you will walk out with капсулы (capsules), тюбики (tubes), флакончики (vials), sometimes травки (herbs), and even ампулы (ampules) along with одноразовые шприцы (disposable syringes).

Fourth, yes, they really do expect you to give yourself shots. And here is the single most amazing and least known fact about Russians: about 90 percent of the adult population can give injections. In fact, teenagers can do it. А что? Сложно, что ли? (What’s the matter? Do you think it’s hard?)

And finally, forget all that patient-first-informed-consent nonsense. You might ask: Что за лекарство? (What’s that medicine?) Зачем оно мне? (Why do I need it?) The answer is simple: Доктор прописал. (The doctor prescribed it.) If you say: А я не хочу обезболивающего (But I don’t want a painkiller), the nurse will repeat: Доктор прописал. Переворачивайтесь. (The doctor prescribed it. Roll over.)

Just roll over.