Vegetarian Disses and Disguises

Long before advertisements anthropomorphized soft-drinks and candy into cartoon characters, people “animated” the food they grew by assigning it human qualities.

Take vegetables. If, out of the blue, a Russian acquaintance one day calls you a “cucumber,” stay cool. You have just received a compliment. Oгурец (cucumber) in colloquial Russian indicates a healthy, fresh-looking person. For example, как огурчик means “as fresh and in as good shape as a cucumber.” It can also be used to approve of someone’s condition or actions: “А ты огурцом” – (“You are looking great”).

There are many problems and riddles associated with the cucumber, but most are outdated. Vladimir Dal, author of the famous 19th century dictionary of the Russian language, registered a perceptive one: Где огурцы, тут и пьяницы. (Where there are cucumbers, there will also be drunks.) Cucumbers, especially in their pickled form, are considered an excellent vodka appetizer.

At the other end of the vegetable scale is the radish (редиска), which can connote a bad, mean person. This meaning for an otherwise innocent-looking vegetable most likely came from the 1972 Soviet film Джентльмены удачи (Gentlemen of Fortune), where it is used as criminal cant. Vladimir Yelistratov, in his Dictionary of Russian Argot (Russkiye Slovari, 2000), registers a funny variation: панкующая редиска. Literally, it means a “punk radish,” someone who is completely worthless, but puts on airs as if he were really cool. 

Meanwhile, garlic (чеснок) is associated with two qualities: good health – Чеснок семь недугов изводит (Garlic cures seven ailments), and bad smell. The latter is spoken for in the almost biblical proverb from Vladimir Dal’s dictionary: Не ела душа чесноку, так и не воняет (The soul has not eaten garlic, that is why it does not stink.). Dal also cites this gem, which reflects what the diet of the lower classes may have been like in his day: Чеснок толчёный, да таракан печёный (Crushed garlic and baked cockroach). In criminal argot чеснок can also be used to designate a честный вор (an upright thief).

Interestingly, Russians’ “second bread” – the potato (картошка) – is not highly respected in colloquial speech. According to Yelistratov, “potato” can mean “trifles, nothing.” Не мешок картошки, (not a bag of potatoes) means something is of no importance, and это не картошка means this is nothing to sneeze at. But what could underscore the potato’s diminutive social status better than, Ты мне друг или картошка? (Are you a friend or a potato?)

Just as in English, cabbage (капуста) can be used to refer to money. Yelistratov notes that капуста зелёная, (green cabbage) is a rather specific reference to dollars.

Another basic food staple here is the turnip (репа). If something is проще пареной репы (simpler than stewed turnip), nothing could be easier. The turnip is also used to describe a face. Thus, начистить репу (to polish a turnip) means to punch someone in the face (while изрубить в капусту means “to beat to a pulp”).

Other vegetables have bodily connotations: a pumpkin (тыква) can be colloquial for a head (e.g. дать по тыкве, to hit someone in the head), while a person who has gone bald can (at your own risk) be called an onion (луковица).

But the most prolific plant in Russian slang is surely the horseradish (хрен). This is because хрен has the same first letter as the most common Russian obscenity (a vulgarity for “penis”) and thus can tone down a tirade just as “shoot,” “darn” or “heck” do in English. There are hundreds of хрен-based idioms, and we will leave the student to discover these on her own. But beware that even seemingly benign usages – хрен с ним (to horse-radish with him/that), На хрен мне это (Why the horseradish would I need this?), посылать на хрен (to send some-one to horseradish) – are all considered rude in polite society.

As a verb (“to horseradish” – охренеть), this vegetable indicates surprise, strong feelings or excitement, or simply the fact that someone has gone nuts. As a noun (“horseradish thing” – хреновина, хренотень, хрень), it is used to name any object, particularly a troublesome one. In adjectival form (хреновый), it means something is spoiled, bad, or unfit for the purpose intended.

There is, however, an old, widely used proverb, where horseradish is used in its literal meaning, without the above connotations: хрен редьки не слаще. Literally, it means “horseradish is no sweeter than a radish,” but the idiomatic meaning is that both options are equally bad. 

Vegetable idioms are absurd and exploit some unique quality of the item. You can experiment and create your own blends, but why worry your pretty pumpkin? The garden is full of choices ripe for the picking.