Of Despicable Metal and Easy Behavior

Of Despicable Metal and Easy Behavior

The guardian of order should not be putting it behind the collar, hanging out with women of easy behavior or wantonly tossing about despicable metal. This is particularly true when the best part of humanity is in the situation. At best, this is incompatible activity; at worst, it may draw the attention of sharks of the plume.

Sounds like a conundrum, doesn’t it? Welcome to the jungle of Russian euphemisms. Bearing in mind their importance in everyday language, demonstrating a knowledge euphemisms them can be considered a linguistic tour de force.

Despicable metal (презренный металл) is a nice, subtle paraphrase for money (the Russian equivalent of “the root of all evil”). Although, come to think of it, you could have a hard time finding a Russian who despises it, so perhaps “cherished metal” or “beloved metal” would be more appropriate.

A breadwinner (кормилец) should not put behind the collar (закладывать за воротник – drink) unless he wants his family to be short of this metal. On the contrary, he should take good care of his other half (вторая половина – spouse) especially if she is in the situation (в положении – pregnant) rather than пускаться во все тяжкие (go on a bender) or meet with “representatives of the oldest profession”  (представительницы древнейшей профессии). Another Russian euphemism for this profession, less familiar to English speakers, is женщины лёгкого поведения (women of easy behavior).

The Cold War years were, of course, a golden age of euphemisms. These women of easy behavior were often planted in Moscow hotel rooms on direct orders from рыцари плаща и кинжала (cloak-and-dagger knights), a euphemism for the secret service and also reminiscent of an expression in English.

When sent abroad on missions, “knights” collected information on their own. If they got over-enthusiastic and got themselves exposed, local стражи порядка (“guardians of order” – i.e. officers of the law) might issue a special statement for the “sharks of the plume” (акулы пера – journalists) pointing out that the knights’ “activities were incompatible with their official status” (их деятельность несовместима с их официальным статусом – a lengthy euphemism for spying).

This type of incompatible activity reached its peak in the early 1980s, when Leonid Brezhnev “ordered us to live a long time” (приказал долго жить – a euphemism for dying) and отошёл в лучший мир (passed on to a better world).

His successor, Yuri Andropov (who issued the same “order” soon after Brezhnev), headed the KGB for many years – coordinating both cloak and dagger knights and guardians of order. Then, in his brief period as General Secretary, Andropov cracked down on corruption in the Interior Ministry and its boss Shchelokov, who happened to be Brezhnev’s brother-in-law. Shchelokov was notorious for being “unclean-handed” (нечист на руку – corrupt) so he ultimately decided to “settle accounts with life” (свести счёты с жизнью – commit suicide) instead of being sent to “very remote places” (места весьма отдалённые – prison.) Incidentally, don’t confuse this phrase with “not such remote places” (места не столь отдалённые – the bathroom).

In the meantime, Brezhnev’s son-in-law, Yuri Churbanov (who by pure coincidence made a vertiginous carrier in the same ministry), also attracted the attention of the guardians of order. He was not only unclean-handed but also hung out with women of easy behavior, invoking the ire of his better half, Galina Brezhneva (who, incidentally, was famous for putting it behind her collar).

When he found out, Churbanov ended up in a very remote place after the guardians of order got onto him (his guardian angel, Brezhnev, having passed from the scene too long hence). Churbanov’s marriage of convenience with Galina was not exceptional – back then it was common practice for the Russian “stronger sex” (сильный пол – men ) to look for their other half among daughters of the high-ranking Soviet nomenklatura.

Nowadays in Russia, roles have changed somewhat. It is not uncommon for the лучшая половина человечества (“the best part of humanity,” i.e. the fairer sex) to marry the “strong of this world” (сильные мира сего – people with power or money or both: politicians, bank presidents, managing directors, etc.) who work stressful 16-hour days. Even though these people don’t usually excel at “fulfilling their conjugal duties” (исполнять свои супружеские обязанности), at least they can provide their better halves with plenty of despicable metal before ordering them to live long.

Of course, it could be argued that in Russia some of the strong of this world may be unclean-handed, but the local fairer sex doesn’t seem particularly worried about that. Unlike so many of their compatriots, the Russian strong of this world at least don’t tend to put it behind the collar beyond reasonable limits. After all, this type of activity could be considered incompatible with their status.