The Language of Love

With Russia becoming a Mecca for (mainly male) foreigners in search of a spouse, and as Russian marriage agencies proliferate like sidewalk kiosks in Moscow, a love-related vocabulary has become a vital topic.

The romantic-minded foreigner coming to Russia may be overwhelmed by the variety of vocabulary Russians use to express their feelings and plans vis-`a  -vis the opposite sex.

If you’re looking for a marriage of convenience (брак по расчёту) then you can ignore linguistic subtleties and let your credit card talk instead. If, however, you want a true love match (брак по любви), then you must fall in love (влюбиться). Or, better still, “fall in love up to your ears” (влюбиться по уши), the ultimate in tender feelings.

Colloquial equivalents of “falling in love” range from втюриться в кого-то and втрескаться в кого-то (both of which make no sense in direct translation) to запасть на кого-то (to fall on someone).

Love at first sight (isn’t that what you’re looking for?) is любовь с первого взгляда. Then you can say about the object of your affections: Она сводит меня с ума (she drives me crazy). Любовь с первого взгляда can also be dangerous – remember the Russian proverb – Love is cruel, you may fall in love with a goat (Любовь зла – полюбишь и козла).

Once you made your choice, court-ship begins. “To court someone” in Russian is ухаживать за кем-то. Needless to say, with the transition to the market economy, hit and run courtship has become more fashionable and the vocabulary has changed accordingly. Ухаживать has almost become a bookish expression applicable to babushkas from the old aristocracy.

Another colloquial verb for courting is кадрить, derived from the word кадры (personnel). So any potential object of courtship, both male or female, becomes a кадр. In this context, Russians of the older generation like to quote Stalin’s famous slogan, Кадры решают всё! (The personnel decides everything). Any potential Russian partner over 50 understands the true meaning implied here.

The younger generation prefers клеить (to stick to someone). This word is a bit more relaxed in style, so when you say “Я клею её” (“I’m sticking to her”), it means you’re courting without serious intentions.

The other way of saying it is подкатывать к кому-нибудь (to roll up to someone). This is even more relaxed in style, so you’d better not say it in front of a mid-40s intellectual with a Ph.D. in literature.

If your courtship has been successful, the time is ripe for “making an offer” (сделать предложение). In Pushkin’s time, this meant предложить руку и сердце (to offer one’s hand and heart).

Most native speakers would find this formula outdated and would just say “Выходи за меня замуж” or “Давай поженимся” (“Marry me” or “Let’s get married” ). If you want to dazzle your in-laws with your level of education just pronounce these solemn words: “I ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage” (“Я прошу руки Вашей дочери”), which again, is perfect Russian, but not commonly used. Nowadays, people just don’t ask their in-laws, at best they inform them of their intentions. So you can say something like, “Мы с Наташей решили пожениться” (“Natasha and I decided to marry”).

Try to memorize one more word if you plan to marry in Russia – ЗАГС (Z.A.G.S. – arriage, Birth and Death Registry Agency). Apart from saying “Да” at the right moment, remember the formula used by the ЗАГС lady: “Молодые, поздравьте друг друга!” (“Newlyweds, congratulate one another” – .e. kiss one another). Why there needs to be a euphemism here, nobody seems to know.

Afterwards, at the reception, you may hear another signal for kissing: “Горько!” (“Bitter!”), a call for the newly-weds to sweeten the bitter taste of vodka with their kisses. Whether you like this tradition or not, learn the word горько by heart. There’s no way around it. You can expect your guests to shout it louder and louder with every toast.

What about words for more intimate relations, beyond gifts of flowers and phone calls? Since this aspect of relationships was taboo under the Soviets, the vocabulary was rather minimalist until recently. Surprisingly, it is the influx of foreign videos and literature that forced Russians to find an acceptable equivalent for it – заниматься любовью – which still sounds a bit awkward (in English it sounds something like “to be occupied with love”). There has also grown an entire vocabulary of slang words that probably would not help to further the search for true love.

Getting back to marriage, make sure your wife has no любовник (lover) and don’t look for a любовница (mistress) yourself. Like women anywhere in the world, Russian wives won’t accommodate a womanizer (бабник) who likes to ходить по бабам (chase women).

So find something else to do – for example try to become a мастер на все руки (a jack of all trades) who can fix a TV set or fridge, or repair a broken chair in a matter of minutes Russian wives like to feel as secure with their husbands как за каменной стеной (as if behind a stone wall).

If you can live up to this, your honeymoon with your Russian spouse could last longer than prescribed by the Russian language (the Russian equivalent for honeymoon – медовый месяц – literally means “honey month”). Moreover, if you follow these love-related linguistic tips, you could even turn your honey месяц into a honey пятилетка (five year plan) and, to use another ex-socialist cliche, end up with a брак без брака* (a marriage without defect) – otherwise so hard to attain.

*брак in Russian has a dual meaning: (1) a marriage, and (2) a defect, a flaw.