Opposites Attract: Russian-American Marriages

What do the granddaughter of one American president and the assassin of another have in common? Both were married to Russians. Susan Eisenhower, granddaughter of Dwight D. Eisenhower, married the distinguished Soviet physicist and political activist Roald Sagdeev in 1990; Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated John F. Kennedy, married Marina Prusakova in 1961.

Despite cold war images of the "enemy" in the form of a Red Commissar, slinky blonde spy, exploiting fat capitalist or war-crazed Pentagon general, Russians and Americans have been falling in love and marrying through good times and bad. Indeed, the tensions and problems Russian-American couples encounter often reflect the broader relationships between their countries. And stereotypes die hard. The father of one young American woman reacted to her marriage to a Russian Ð in 1994 Ð with the indignant cry, "How could you marry a damn Communist?"

Prior to glasnost and the collapse of the Soviet Union, mixed US-Russian marriages were a risky business, subject to fluctuations in the political barometer and to the whims of bureaucrats in both countries. In the 1920s and early 1930s, socialist idealists, children of Russian Jewish émigrés, black American Communists and ordinary Americans flocked to Russia to help build utopia. Many ended up marrying Russians, as did many American journalists posted to Moscow. But getting an exit visa for a Russian spouse proved far from easy, and many couples suffered from harassment, surveillance and years of separation. American spouses were often not allowed to reside permanently in Russia, or were forced to renounce their US citizenship. In the late 1930s and during the postwar period, a freeze in Soviet-American relations discouraged Russian-American marriages, as did the 1947 law forbidding Soviet citizens to marry foreigners, though a few exceptions were made prior to the law's repeal following Stalin's death in 1953.

Russian migrations to the US after WWII and the Russian-Jewish exodus which began in the 1970s also spawned numerous Russian-American marriages. In the 1960's and 1970's, détente brought widened possibilities for student, cultural and business contacts. And, with the collapse of the Soviet Union and the easing of travel restrictions, more and more Russian and American diplomats, journalists, performers, teachers, students, scientists, athletes, businessmen and tourists have been finding love and marriage on opposite sides of the Atlantic. The rapid development of cultural and commercial ties has produced a large group of American expatriates who have been dating and marrying Russians. Today, home for these couples can be Moscow just as well as New York.

During the Soviet era the question "Does he (or she) want me or my passport?" was very pertinent, for a relationship with an American meant access to both privilege and exit visas. In the '60s and '70s, Americans were treated like millionaires by Russians who wanted food, jazz records, panty hose, short-wave radios and tape recorders from hard currency shops. Even an American college sophomore was treated like something between a CEO and Santa Claus. And, in the overwhelming number of cases, it has been Russian women linking up with American men. This is due to a number of factors. For one, revolution, civil war, collectivization, famines, Gulag and World War II resulted in a demographically skewed population in which Russian women considerably outnumbered men. Second, compulsory military service and access to classified information made it more difficult for Russian men to leave the country.

^{From the 19}60s ^{through the 1980s,} there was no dearth of Russian women looking for ^western men with whom to practice their English and perhaps form a stronger bond^{. By} the '90s^, Russian girls ^began flock^ing to sign up with international dating services and catalogues. The boom in these dating services Ð one service, European Connections, claims a readership of more than 70,000 men for its catalogues Ð was a result both of post-perestroika freedom and of the Russian economic crisis. This made the lure of the West particularly seductive. Particularly when cast in contrast to the realities of modern Russian life, where the current life expectancy of Russian men is 57 (vs. 71 for women!), alcoholism is rampant and economic difficulties are chronic.

"Russian ladies, truly beautiful, want to meet you!" trumpets the literature of one of the biggest American agencies specializing in finding Russian wives for American men. Of some 200-250 introduction companies doing business in the US, at least 80 focus exclusively on the "feminine," "family-oriented," and "traditional" women from Russia and Eastern Europe. The on-line Russian Women's List has more than 800 male members, who can trade information about the agencies and the women they are meeting. Firms such as European Connections, Anastasia, Foreign Relations, A Foreign Affair, Russian Connection, Scanna International, Elite Matchmaking and a host of websites vie with each other for clients, while glossy brochures and slickly made videos promise a Russian Miss Right for every Mr. Lonely All-American Male.

But happiness does not come cheap. The price for a series of catalogues with pictures of Russian beauties, addresses of the women, correspondence with the girls chosen, translation of the couple's letters, and group or individual travel to Russia with "socials" on a week-long trip during which the goggle-eyed client may meet between 6-800 women (including those he has picked out from the catalogues or with whom he has corresponded ), airfare, hotels, etc., may run anywhere from $3,000 to $10,000. Then there are the fees for a lawyer to obtain a fiancé visa, a document requiring the bearer to marry the person who has sent the invitation within 90 days or leave the US; in 1997, 747 such visas were issued to women from the former Soviet Union. The girl's airfare and expenses in the US must also be covered.

Art Steckel, co-director of European Connections, claims that 75% of the 2,000 men who have gone on his agency's tours since 1992 invite a girl to the US on such a visa, and that half of these couples marry, while Encounters International, a Bethesda-based firm, claims 104 marriages, 5 engagements and 4 divorces since it was founded in 1993. Several American directors of the marriage agencies, such as David Besuden of Anastasia, are themselves married to Russian women.

Who are these men who want to marry Russians? While their ages range from the 20s to the 60s, the majority seem to be in their early 40s, primarily white WASP professionals who have spent their time and energy "making it" in their fields and one day wake up to the fact that, if they want a wife and children, it is time to "do something." "They are all kinds," said David, a network administrator in a mixed marriage whose wife runs an agency in Belarus, where they live. "From people with real good reasons for wanting a foreign wife, to just plain losers with no chance back at home, and the wild idea that they can buy a girl."

^{The Russian girls looking for Americans vary}, ^{depending on the agency, but roughly} half ^{of them have been previously married and about 25-35% of the women have a child. They range in age from 20 to 60, and most of them are recommended to the large international agencies by local firms. The women are particularly delighted by American willingness to take on a child, something Russian men are frequently loathe to do, and this is particularly important since 11% of all Russian households are headed by a female single parent.}

The key word that comes back over and over when these men talk of the Russian women is "feminine." "These Russian girls are beautiful, faithful, and perfect women," said Sam. Undaunted by the fact that the Russian fiancé he brought back had left him after two months, he was signing up for another marriage agency-run tour to find a Russian bride.

How successful are these "agency" marriages? Since most couples have not been married for all that long, at this point it is hard to tell. While the firms vaunt success stories, they do not have the means to carefully screen the men for criminal records or mental illness, and there have been some cases of spousal abuse. And while criminal record would appear on a Russian woman's passport, an American client is still taking an huge risk in marrying someone who often does not speak English well (one girl described herself in a catalogue as "modest, embarrassing, sure, faithful and kind"), is isolated from her family, friends, and profession, and may be from a completely different social and educational background. As the director of one of the major firms openly admitted, "the major goal of my firm is to make money."

"I left him because I was so bored in that dump I couldn't stand it," said Zhanna, a medical student from Leningrad who found herself in a small southern town with her new American husband and no one to talk to while he was at work. In another case, a travel agent who had arranged an airline ticket for the fiancé of an American (they had met through an agency) told of a panicked call from the man on Christmas Eve, less than two months after the lady had arrived, insisting that she be put on the first flight back to Russia.

Passports and economics aside, Russians and Americans that marry seem to view each other as endowed with precisely those qualities which are missing in prospective spouses at home. Put slightly differently, the negative reactions of Americans and Russians to certain types of behavior in their own cultures seems to foster their attraction to each other. Harvey Balzer, director of Georgetown University's Russian Area Program, commented in an 1994 Radio Liberty interview that "American men are somewhat sick of emancipated women, and Russian women are somewhat sick of domestic dictators. You've got this funny situation where the American man is looking for an unliberated woman, and the Russian woman is looking for a slightly more liberated man."

American men have acquired a reputation as non-drinkers, clean, polite, considerate, and good providers who help around the house and with raising children. Svetlana was impressed by the way her American husband Mark came home from work on time every night. "He takes a drink before dinner, but I've never seen him drunk. Can you imagine that?" The young Russian wife of one American put it more cynically. "These days, what kind of a Russian can you marry?" Olga asked. "With a factory worker you'll starve. And he'll bore you to death. A 'New Russian' businessman is dangerous. His money's here today, gone tomorrow, and he could easily be knocked off by the Mafia. With an American, you know you'll be taken care of for life."

Russian women who are eager to be housewives and mothers, and who are free from the desire for total equality with men which characterizes so many American feminists, are extremely attractive to some American men. Compared to American women, Russian girls seem "old-fashioned" and "feminine" rather than feminist. Fred was impressed by his wife Irina's concern with her appearance. "She'd never go out without doing her nails," he said. "And she also really makes me feel like a man in bed. Not like those American girls who see you as a machine to service and who treat sex like a gas pump Ð service me now, do this and do that." An American immigration lawyer helping American clients bring over their Russian wives commented, "My clients all tell me the same thing. They think American women are spoiled and Russian women aren't. They're the more old-fashioned type of girls." What the men often fail to realize, though, is that underneath the pretty, kittenish exterior are claws of steel and an iron will.

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What do Russian men see in American women? For one thing, wives who do not treat them with either pity or contempt, and who are still going strong at the end of the workday. "Russian women treat their husbands like small children," Ivan remarked. "With Anna I don't feel like gadding about, I like being at home," said Iliya. A 42-year old circus artist from Kazan, he lives in Florida with his American wife, 39-year-old Anna, and their two-year-old daughter, Tatyana. "She's a great wife, a great mother, and my closest friend," he said.

^{For their part, American women see Russian men as handsome, romantic, strong and caring. "Russian men? I would start out with one simple word Ð passion," said Julia, speaking from her experience with Russian men. Unscathed by American feminism, the men still open doors, hold coats, pay a woman compliments, and feel it is their role to take care of and protect the member of the} "^{weaker sex.}" ^{"My husband respects me and treats me like a woman," Anna said. "I don't want to be my husband's buddy and get a slap on the back. Flowers and a kiss are just perfect for me." For American women accustomed to dealing with men cowed by feminist rhetoric, this Russian protectiveness has great appeal. "I have learned so much from my husband about just being a decent human being," Linda remarked. 31 years old, she has been married for five years to her 34-year old Russian husband. "He is extremely careful of my feelings and I have learned to show him the same respect."}

Yet the cultural differences cannot be overlooked. "My marriage to my Russian wife has been fraught with cultural battles," said Daniel, who at 34 has been married for seven years to a Russian, runs a systems firm, and is the father of two children. "We have both had a hard time adjusting to the mindset of the other."

"Misha had never washed a floor or a dish until we started living together," Laura said. The 30-year old works in an educational exchange organization where he was her colleague. "Now he's begun to participate in household chores ... Misha is not one to talk about his feelings," she said of her partner of two years, "and he doesn't think it's important to express yourself. "I'm used to discussing things and letting it all hang out." On the other hand, Mary, a young teacher of Russian married to a sociologist, likes this psychological reserve. "Volodya doesn't insist on analyzing our relationship all the time," she said. "My American boyfriend treated me as though I were his shrink."

Russian spouses often say they have problems with the American "tell all" attitude. As opposed to "letting it all hang out," Russian spouses feel that there are some things best kept to oneself, particularly so as not to obidet (offend) the spouse. "I have a well-developed sense of fairness," Laura commented, "and Misha tends to accept things the way they are." This attitude is more frequently ^found among older Russians who^, under the Soviet system^, realized that "not making waves" was a good deal idea.

And then there is money. Russian spouses will often complain about American penny-pinching. One Russian wife said she thought Americans are crazy to spend $80 on a haircut, then take the subway home. American spouses, meanwhile, complain that Russian spouses can play too fast and loose with their money. One spouse called the worst part of dealing with a Russian "Trial by Shopping." Another American nearly went broke because her Russian husband kept spending over their credit card limit.

While even those partners with a good knowledge of both Russian and English may encounter numerous problems in the course of their adaptation to their spouse and to his or her country, many of Russian-American couples living in Russia seem to have had an easier time than those living in America. The American expatriates tend to have more realistic expectations, are better acquainted with the culture and fewer are nostalgic for home than is the case among Russians living in America. They did not expect to instantly become rich or professionally successful. Even so, there are problems. "I have matured since my arrival," said Anthony, who lives in Moscow with his Russian wife of six years and 2 children. I glow a ^little less, I trust people a lot less ... But I caught myself wanting tvorog and smetana as a dessert in the cafeteria the other day, and that means I have grown more Russian."

"I discovered that what Alyosha meant by 'rest' during a day in the country was not at all what I had in mind," commented Linda, a busy manager of a chain of Moscow stores whose Russian husband works for a photography firm. "I thought we would be relaxing on a blanket on the grass, while he intended to scavenge for mushrooms until we dropped from fatigue!"

"I believe the biggest difficulty in our marriage is choosing between the two countries. Where is home?" wondered Fran. "For me Moscow is home; I go visiting to the States," said Susan. "Sometimes," said Melissa who lives in Moscow with her Russian husband, "I think Ð what does it take for a nice, normal American girl to pick up and do this? You have to be just a little bit crazy." Anthony concurred: "I think of Russia as an incurable disease I have and cannot get rid of, so I had better learn how best to live with it. I always knew I would marry a Russian."

Even Russians and Americans with an excellent knowledge of the other's country may misread verbal cues, intonation, body language and gestures. Language problems are the most obvious fertile field for misunderstanding. "Early on in the marriage we often didn't understand each other, and one word misinterpreted could lead to a whole lot of heartache," Linda remarked. Distinguishing personal behavioral traits from cultural factors can also be extremely difficult. "Even after ten years, I never know if Pavel is doing something because he's Pavel or because he's Russian," Helen complained. She and her Russian husband lived in the Boston area, where she had a teaching position. All too often the partners forget that, aside from cultural differences, a whole range of other factors such as age, education, social class, urban or rural origin and religion can play a major role in a spouse's behavior.

Another area of differences is that of relationships with family and friends. "Pyotr talks to his mother every single day," Joyce said of her husband, a dentist from Odessa. "A grown man! And he doesn't seem to mind her calls." "Joyce's father treats us the way he does his business clients," Pyotr said. "A call once a week, dinner every two weeks. But he and Joyce seem to get on perfectly well." "Iliya holds his mother in such high esteem," Anna commented admiringly. "The way a man treats his mother is the way he'll treat you."

^{Almost all the Russians spouses living in America say they miss their friends, and the close friendships they had in Russia. "Mark calls Jack his friend," Svetlana said, "but all they do is play golf once a month. In Russia a friend is someone you talk to." American spouses living in Russia often report trouble in} d^{ealing with the demands of Russian friendship, the need to drop everything if a friend wants a sympathetic ear. "I don't feel I have that much in common with all of Misha's friends," Laura said, "and he feels the same way about most of mine. So we give each other free time to hang out." Not everyone agrees. "I love the way Iliya and all his Russian friends sit together around the table," Anna said. "Even without knowing the language well, you feel the closeness, that you're a part of a group. Americans gulp everything down in ten minutes and run."}

And this touches on the biggest difference: the American sense of the self as an individual versus the Russian sense of self as part of a collective. "I love Joyce, but I seem to be a part of her personal self-development program," Pyotr said. "The other night, when we were with another mixed couple and their car developed a flat tire, she was ready to take off in a cab. Of course, she couldn't really physically help Ivan and me change the tire, but what about some solidarity?" Some Americans quickly absorb this Russian sense of the collective. "What I like so much about Moscow," said a young American woman who has been living there with her Russian husband for several years, "is that I feel a part of a group. I know all the neighbors; there's always someone to talk to or to watch our son. And I've never had the kind of friends in America I have here."

Russians and Americans have long known that their cultural differences make personal, political and business friendships a singular challenge. But Russian-American marriages add an incredible level of everyday, unremitting intensity to this challenge. And while the risks are manifold, so are the rewards. As one American man engaged to a Russian woman said, "They see everything so differently when discovering the world here. They make you see everything differently. It's like childhood all over again." Casting a slightly different tint, another American, already married to a Russian, said, "when these marriages are good, they are very very good, and when they are bad they are horrid." Certainly one thing no American married to a Russian seems to complain of is boredom.

Most of the names of people quoted in this article have been changed to protect their privacy.  Many people specifically made this a requirement for being interviewed.