A Small Crowd of Oxymorons

An oxymoron (оксюморон) is an idiom that is, according to the original Greek, “pointedly foolish.” It unites two incompatible notions or properties, usually in the form of an adjective plus a noun, and Russian is full of them. For example: горькая сладость (bitter sweetness), or тёмное освещение (dark lightness). Speaking of lightness, there is the phrase он испытывал лёгкую тяжесть в ногах (he felt a light heaviness in his legs).

There are several which have perfect American counterparts, like небольшая толпа, which finds a parallel in the American oxymoron “small crowd.” Another classic is the expression cекрет полишинеля (literally “puppet’s secret,” but best translated as “open secret”).

There are also some purely Russian oxymorons: Я тебе по-хорошему завидую (I envy you in a good way). The very notion that there could be хорошая зависть (good envy) is an oxymoron by definition. It is kind of like a twist on that double oxymoron: “a bad peace is better than a good war.”

But then, of course, in addition to more classic, literary oxymorons like these, there are those discovered by keen wits or invented by humorists. My U.S. colleagues, for instance, single out “Amtrak Schedule” or “military intelligence.” I liked both, as I once rode Amtrak and also served in the military and sampled their “intelligence,” like the Russian officer’s command, “Hey, you three, both of you get over here” (see page 69).

Some such oxymorons depend perhaps on your political perspective. For instance, we used to call our leaders “милостивый государь” (“merciful sovereign”). But even a superficial analysis of Russian history makes it clear that our sovereigns were never merciful.

Modern times offer still more riches, like the howlers бесплатное лечение (free [medical] treatment), or россий­ская экономика (“Russian economy” – not as funny a joke as it used to be when it was советская экономика). So it is with государственный деятель, sometimes translated as “state functionary,” but more literally translated as “state doer,” which is as oxymoronic as российские законы (“Russian laws”).

From the communist era we have культурная революция (“cultural revolution”) and железный Феликс (“Iron Felix”), which referred to the statue of Felix Dzerzhinsky, which proved not so solid after it was toppled in 1991.

For those who do not like their mother-in-law, добрая тёща (good-hearted mother-in-law) is a perfectly composed oxymoron. For me, I find безалкогольное пиво (non-alcoholic beer) to be one of the biggest offenders. It ranks right up there with уютный троллейбус (cozy trolleybus). Absurdity knows no bounds. As in the вкусный гамбургер (tasty hamburger) or полезная пепси-кола (healthy PepsiCola) touted in ads. It makes this lover of what Americans call “slow food” shiver... And what a perfect oxymoron “fast food” is…

But to end this piece on a conciliatory note, perhaps we can construct some useful and truthful oxymorons of our own about “both our three” countries – Russia, the U.S. and France (the nations I know best). I think most would agree that these are oxymorons in the best tradition of the word: негостеприимный русский (inhospitable Russian), безалаберный американец (disorderly, lazy American) and неопрятный француз (“sloppy Frenchman” – in appearance, not work habits, that is).

All these phenomena are quite hard to find, and, while there could be some exceptions, with your acquiescence, милостивые государи, I will add these to my growing list of the best oxymorons.