Survival Ukrainian

"We are all Ukrainians,” declared US Senator John McCain not long ago. Yes, but do you at least speak some of the “українська мова” (Ukrainian language), Senator? “Hї”?! (“No”). Too bad.

Being a native Russian speaker, I understood everything that was being said on Kiev's Майдан Незалежности (“Independence Square”). Thirty-four years ago, when I was watching a football match featuring my then favorite Dinamo (Kiev) on Ukrainian TV, I easily figured out what штрафной майданчик meant (“penalty box”; the Russian is штрафная площадка). So, with a bit of linguistic logic, one can assume that майдан –as in the one colored in Ukraine's жовто-блакитный (yellow and blue) national colors –is not a площадка (playground or platform) but actually a rather large площадь (interestingly, the word Майдан is originally from the Arabic maydan, dating perhaps to when the Crimean Khan held sway over these lands).

As a result, I also easily understood the leaflets that activists from the Ukrainian “Правий сектор” (“Right Sector”) disseminated in Херсон: “Москалі та жидва чекайте!” Москаль is the pejorative for “Russian” and “жидва” is the notorious Ukrainian pejorative for “Jews”. Thus it read, “Russians and Yids Just You Wait!” The leaflet was signed by “Stepan Bandera” – an allusion to the infamous Nazi collaborator whose followers, бандеровцы, perpetrated atrocities on Ukrainian soil during WWII and its aftermath. Well, ласкаво просимо (Welcome) to a new Ukrainian reality, where hate speech seems to be tolerated.

As you may have guessed, I am no fan of the Ukrainian opposition. Having said that, I don't have hard feelings against усиx (all) Ukrainians. Як же (How is that possible)?! The first time I ever покохав а дівчину (loved a girl) was back in the summer of 1977. Blonde Натала was a гарна (beautiful) Ukrainian I still бачу (see) sometimes in my dreams. I was 16, she was 17. I was the son of a Soviet diplomat posted to the UNESCO mission, she was the daughter of a Ukrainian functionary in UNESCO. We fell in love in the town of Mantes-la-Jolie, some 50 km outside Paris, in the five-hectare residence of the Soviet embassy, where then future (and now former) Ukrainian Foreign Minister Anatoly Zlenko, a USSR Master of Sport in volleyball, taught me how to spike and make short passes.

Oh, Наталка, do you remember how you asked me to say that I loved тільки тебе (only you) in Ukrainian? Well, I am married to a Russian woman now, yet I know that if we met, you wouldn't call her кацапка (pejorative for Russian women). And even if I might be a москаль to some of your compatriots, I would never call you a хохлушка (Russian pejorative for “Ukrainian”; the masculine version is хохол).

Nor do I advise my jingoistic compatriots to call Ukraine Малороссия (Little Russia), as it was called in tsarist times, or its inhabitants малороссы (Little Russians). Хи ба ж це дило? (That's not how you do things, is it?) You see, I still feel our two peoples will reconcile and decide to unite one day. Someday, in fact, a new Богдан (Хмельницкий that is*) may address both Украина и Россия and say – “єднайтеся!” (Unite!)

The Russian people would, of course, open their arms. But I expect no future Russian ruler will ever again give away Crimea на дурняк (for nothing; the Russian is на халяву), even as a token of friendship.

As they say in Ukraine, нема дурных (I'm nobody's fool).

* Bohdan Khmelnytsky, leader of the Zaporozhian Cossacks who organized an uprising against Polish rule that led to the creation of an independent Cossack state. Ukrainians see him as the founder of the nation, though many decry his 1654 signature of the Treaty of Pereyaslav that united Ukraine and Russia. In Russia he is generally praised for bringing Ukraine into the “eternal union” of all the Russias. He is generally loathed by Jews, as he sought to eradicate all Jews from Ukraine.