Just Between Us

“All men are pigs,” is an adage shared with me by quite a few америка́нки (American women). Russian women put it a bit differently: “Все мужики́ – сво́лочи.” But the meaning is pretty much the same.

Yet I would advise the представи́тельницы прекра́сной полови́ны челове́чества (representatives of humanity’s finer half) against combing all men with one comb (всех мужчи́н – под одну́ гребёнку). Yes, we men do like to privately banter about же́нские пре́лести (women’s delights). You might even find two happily married мужики́ sitting on a bench casting their lupine gazes at passing “chicks” (тёлки), excusing themselves with the cliché “не едим – так погляди́м” (“if we can’t eat it, at least we can watch it”).

Understandably irate Russian women describe such voyeurism as мужики́ слю́ни пуска́ют (the men are salivating). And if a man’s “surveillance” is too obvious, a woman may abruptly stop and ask, “Чего́ пя́лишься?” or “Чего́ вы́лупился?” (a vulgar “Why are you staring at me?”)

Э́то то́нкая мате́рия (it’s a fine line to walk), but that’s never stopped me before, so I’ll try expanding on this topic in printable form, because surely Survival Russian is about more than surviving at tea parties and in museums.

Let’s start with a few idioms about women from Russian literature: же́нщина в са́мом со́ку (literally “a juicy woman,” a good-looking, mature woman); кровь с молоко́м (blood with milk – a young, healthy girl with rosy cheeks); у неё но́ги от ше́и (от зубо́в) расту́т (she’s got legs growing from her neck [teeth]); У неё оси́ная та́лия (she’s got the waist of a bee); У неё грудь колесо́м (she’s got a bosom like a wheel).

And this is how Ilf and Petrov begin their description of the widow Gritsatsuyeva in The Twelve Chairs: Приро́да одари́ла её ще́дро. Тут бы́ло всё: арбу́зные гру́ди, нос – о́бухом, расписны́е щёки и мо́щный заты́лок. (She was richly endowed by Nature. She had it all: melon-like breasts, a nose like the butt of an ax, painted cheeks, and a mighty neck.)* If you are looking for an even more poetic description of mammary glands, check out Nikolai Nekrasov’s classic section of Frost the Red Nose, “Russian Women.”

But of course not all impolite comments are positive, e.g.: Она́ страшна́ как сме́ртный грех (she’s as ugly as sin), or Она́ страшна́ как а́томная война́ (She’s as ugly as nuclear war). And those are just the printable ones.

But we men are hardly alone. Women have a few things to say about men behind their backs (and not only), e.g.: Са́мая эро́генная зо́на у мужчи́ны – э́то его́ мозги́ (A man’s most erogenous zone is his brain); and Мужчи́на до́лжен быть чуть краси́вее обезья́ны (A man has to be just a bit handsomer than an ape).

Of course, women do discuss досто́инства мужчи́н (men’s merits) as well. But be careful: досто́инства мужчи́ны in the plural refers to moral qualities like loyalty, honesty or generosity, while мужско́е досто́инство – as an adjective and noun in the singular – is a universal euphemism for what we call деторо́дный о́рган.

So what turns on (что заво́дит) a Russian woman about a man, other than his brain? Surely no woman can resist a truly handsome man, a краса́вец-мужчи́на. “Качо́к!” a woman may gasp upon seeing a man who regularly works out (кача́ется). “Ты ви́дела его́ ку́бики?!” (“Have you seen his cubes?!”) another might say, where “cubes” refers to abs.

In fact, the modern ру́сская де́вушка scorns a пивно́й живо́т (beer belly) or у́зкие пле́чики (narrow shoulders). And a diminutive fellow can earn the scornful nickname of шибздик or сморчо́к (a wrinkled mushroom). Our же́нщины like their мужики́ to be плечи́стый (broad-shouldered) – and they have a penchant for men with пло́тная, упру́гая попа́ (a well-rounded muscled solid butt).

Let’s face it, when it comes to observing and commenting on the opposite sex amongst those of our own gender, there are very few neutral observers. Chalk it up to our evolutionary roots. Because, when you come right down to it, we’re all just a few genes better than apes.

* From the new translation by Anne Fisher, see Under Review.