Watch Where You Step

In recent months the Russian press corps has been honing its euphemistic language skills. The first problem arose when a sculpture went up in front of the new GES-2 House of Culture, a hub of very cutting-edge contemporary art. Called “Big Clay #4,” it was meant to depict pieces of clay that an artist had begun to soften in his hands just before the moment of creation.

Unfortunately, most Muscovites thought it looked like what your dog leaves behind on the sidewalk. But journalists couldn’t put in the newspaper what people were saying on the street. So they called it большая куча (a big pile) or looked for a quote fit to print: В соцсетях чаще всего скульптуру сравнивают с “горой фекалий” (In social media the sculpture is most often compared to a “mountain of feces”).

And then in St. Petersburg a young artist-activist made a statement of sorts in the Field of Mars, where revolutionary war dead are buried. One newspaper announced:  В Петербурге появились гигантские фекалии из снега, их окружает жёлтая “лужа” (Giant feces made of snow and surrounded by a yellow “puddle” appeared in St. Petersburg). But other newspapers just quoted the artist, who said he created a пятиметровую “какашку” (a five-meter turd). Note the use of quotation marks used to distance the editorial board from the nasty word.

If for some reason you must talk about such an unpleasant, intimate topic in polite company, how should you do it?

First of all, do what Russian speakers do: use lots of foreign borrowings. They sound more incomprehensible and therefore more well-mannered. Фекалии, as seen above, is a good choice, as is стул (stool), which seems to have been used in Russia as far back as under (no pun intended) Ivan the Terrible: Одним из важнейших показателей здоровья является стул (A person’s stool is one of the most important indicators of health). Another borrowed word is кал, which appears to be from фекалия and is used in medical settings:  Для чего нужно регулярно проходить исследование кала? (Why should you regularly undergo analysis of your stool?). And a third is экскремент (excrement), which can mean anything the body gets rid of (like sweat), but most commonly refers to one particular kind of waste matter, human or animal:  Окаменелые экскременты динозавра были проданы на нью-йоркском аукционе за одну тысячу долларов (Petrified dinosaur excrement was sold at a New York auction for 1,000).

Then there are special words for what animals produce. This is a bit tricky. Big farm animals produce навоз (dung), which in some cases is very useful: С определённым навозом русская земля и сладка, и плодовита (When particular manure is used, the Russian land is sweet and productive). Помёт (droppings) is what small animals and birds leave behind, and it can also be very useful: Раствор куриного помёта считается одним из наиболее эффективных удобрений (A slurry made from chicken droppings is considered to be one of the most effective forms of fertilizer).

But just to confuse us, помёт also means a litter, as in what a cat births. However, context usually saves the day: У кошки может быть от трёх до четырёх помётов в год (A cat can have three or four litters a year).

And there are special words for talking about the subject with a litter — er, group of little children. Here it’s generally кака or какашка (poop). Both words can be used to describe anything yucky, just like their equivalents in English: В магазине не покупайте ― сплошная кака (Don’t buy anything in that store — it’s all crap!).