Flirting, Courting and Saying it Right

March 8 (Восьмое марта) known as International Women’s Day, is the Russian equivalent of St. Valentine’s Day (День Святого Валентина), except that presents (подарки) and compliments (комплименты) go only one way – from the citizens of Mars (Марс) to those of Venus (Венера).

Actually, for men, March 8 is a good day to appease the notorious heroine of Russian jokes – the тёща (a husband’s mother-in-law), along with other Venetians, by lavishing her with your attentions (оказывать знаки внимания). But interacting with the opposite sex (противоположный пол) in a foreign language can be tricky. So here’s a crib sheet for interplanetary communication.

On March 8, Russian men take their sweethearts on a date (свидание). Be careful, however, when transculturating the more direct English invitation, “Do you want to go on a date?” Russians tend to be more obtuse and avoid the word “date” by using invitation patterns such as: “Пойдём куда-нибудь сегодня вечером?” (“Shall we go somewhere tonight?”) “Ты пойдёшь со мной на вечеринку?” (“Would you like to come to the party with me?), “Я хотел (хотела) пригласить тебя в кино.” (“I would like to invite you to the movies”), etc.

In fact, the expression “to go out” does not have an exact Russian equivalent. Depending on the purpose of going out, it can be translated as развлечься (seek entertainment), тусоваться (hang out), поужинать в ресторане (dine out), etc. A cousin of mine who moved to Derby, England two years ago recently surprised me with her immigrant slang: “Мы идём в аут” (“We are going into out”) and the even the more bizarre: “Она в ауте” (“She is in out”). Needless to say, use of either of these expressions is sure to under-impress your Russian teacher and probably confuse Russian friends.

Once you get to a party (вечеринка), also sometimes referred to as a тусовка (a slang word for a gathering of people who hang out together), you might decide to start hitting on someone. Men can do it in a gentlemanly fashion (ухаживать за кем-то), saying things like “Разрешите за вами поухаживать?” (“May I get you some food?”), “Разрешите вас пригласить” (“Allow me to invite you to dance.”) or, more casually, “Потанцуем?” (“Shall we dance?”). The more direct manner of hitting on someone is denoted by the verbs подъехать (literally “to drive up to”), подкатить (“to roll up to”) and приставать (“to nag”). Thus, “Он к ней пристаёт” means he is making a pass at her, in a very pushy, irritating way.

One who pushes his приставания too far risks being labeled an arrogant jerk (нахал) or even getting a slap across the face (пощёчина) from the object of one’s advances. It can be said about a spurned admirer that “Его отшили” (literally, “He was sewn off”), or, more rudely, “Его послали …” (“He was sent off to...”). ]

To flirt is кадрить, while the perfect form, закадрить, implies that someone has already fallen under a flirter’s spell (“Она его закадрила”). This can be achieved by making eyes at someone (Она строит ему глазки). By the way, “Он положил на неё глаз” (“He has put his eye on her”) means he has fallen for her.

Before you start hitting on someone, you might want to check whether the person is already “taken,” by asking the question, “У тебя есть девушка/ молодой человек?” (“Do you have a girlfriend/ boyfriend?”). To brush off an unwanted admirer, you might say, “У меня есть девушка” (“I have a girlfriend”). From this, you can see that there is no universal word for girlfriend or boyfriend in Russian. While in English these words can be used to refer to men and women of all ages, the Russian девушка (young girl) and молодой человек (young man) or the more colloquial парень (guy) are generally reserved for those under 30. Older people might use женщина (woman) or мужчина (man), but should avoid любовница/любовник (mistress/lover), as these words usually connote sex and sometimes adultery. The phrase “We are together” should be rendered in Russian as “Мы встречаемся” (“We meet”).

Unless it is любовь с первого взгляда (love at first sight), the road from первое свидание (the first date) to the мы встречаемся stage can be long and thorny. In Russia, which many still consider a sexist society (try using the borrowed term сексистское общество and your Russian interlocutor may enthuiastically say, “Yes, we have a very sexy society”), the way to a woman’s heart is still usually strewn with flowers, compliments and “gentlemanly behavior” (вести себя как джентльмен), which is usually applied only to the courting stage). Meanwhile, the path to a man’s heart is said to run through his stomach (путь к сердцу мужчины лежит через желудок), meaning that good cuisine will break down any resistance.

Such conservative views are still prevalent, but not universal, in Russia, so be sure to tailor your approach to your situation, or who knows where you might get sent ...

– Lina Rozovskaya