Beware the Teapots and Snowdrops

Driving in Russia is, by all accounts, a nerve-racking experience. So basic road vocabulary is this column’s theme – because rare are those who have been able to avoid communicating with the notoriously corrupt Russian road police (ГAИ: Государ­ственная авто­инспекция) or with fellow drivers. Of course “fellow” is probably too nice a word, since every second “fellow” will attempt to подрезать (cut you off), thus creating what they call in GAI parlance an авари­йная ситуация (accident-prone situation).

Indeed, courteous behavior is hard to come by on Russian roads strewn with ямы (potholes). Novices are advised to stick a picture of a teapot (чайник) in the back window of their car, as a warning for other drivers. But also note that чайник is slang for a “poor driver.” Women, whether they put up a sign or not, should be ready to hear more than their fair share of criticisms, since men do most of the driving here. A common sexist proverb is: женщина за рулём – что фашист на танке (a woman at the wheel is like a fascist driving a tank).

Another category of drivers commonly derided by other drivers are the подснежники (“snowdrops” –  spring flower). These are автолюбители (“car lovers,” or amateurs, as opposed to professional drivers) who prefer to store their cars in a garage during the winter, only venturing out on the roads again in spring – showing up like snowdrops.

Snowdrops are actually famous for keeping their car in good order and usually have no problem passing the техосмотр (technical inspection) at GAI, which is supposed to identify – and thus eliminate – ny technical deficiencies of a car. But, of course, the техосмотр is just a ruse to generate bribes. A recent nationwide campaign, the замена водительских прав (exchange of driving licenses, not to be confused with the old exchange of party cards campaign which Soviet era leaders used to root out potential opposition) introduced a new unified license which looks like a credit card. This of course was another source of bribe revenue. For any drivers who did not meet the January 1, 2000, deadline for exchange of documents surely had to line GAI pockets.

If you нарушили правила дорожного движения (violated traffic rules) and a GAI officer catches you red-handed, you will pay. Certain violations they will not let slide, such as превышение скорости (speeding), проезд на красный сигнал светофора (running a red light), вождение в нетрезвом состоянии (driving “under the influence”). This latter violation is the bread and butter of your typical Russian гаишник. Late at night and holidays are ideal times for the гаишник to catch drunk drivers and feather his nest, so to speak. DUI in Russia can cost you between $100 and $200 cash, unless you want to face the official punishment, which normally involves confiscation of one’s driver’s license for a year (лишение водительских прав сроком на год) and a requirement to retake a driving exam with GAI (повторный экзамен в ГАИ).

So, after a night with the Green Dragon, catch a тачка (literally, “wheelbarrow”) or мотор (engine) – the two slang words for “car.” In this instance, it is helpful to know how to talk to частники (gypsy drivers), who like to бомбить (to make money on the side and/or by deceit) or to taxi drivers (таксисты). To win their favors, local passengers usually address them as “boss” (шеф) or “commander” (командир), while, in common usage, drivers call one another водила (derived from водитель, driver).

The first question your частник will ask is short and simple: “Сколько?” (“How much?”) Be ready to toss out offers the Russian way: десятку / десяточку (a ten), двадцатку / двадца­точку (a twenty), тридца­тник (a thirty), полтинник (a fifty), стольник (a hundred). Just using the simple cardinal numbers you learned in school will help mark you as a foreigner, or worse, a novice, and you can count on paying more.

If you are stopped by a GAI officer, you will be asked to show your водительские права or, more formally, водительское удостоверение. This usually means the инспектор ГАИ intends to withdraw your license and issue a fine (штраф). Fines can be paid either on the spot or via Sberbank (in which case the driver gives proof of bank transfer payment to the GAI division in their residential district to reclaim their права). The alternative, of course, is if the гаишник gives you a sly look and asks, “Квитанция нужна?” (“Do you need a receipt?”) which means he is ready to договориться (settle) – ake a bribe that is. You can be proactive and say, “Мне не нужна квитанция!” (“I don’t need a receipt”).

Not surprisingly, GAI officers are the butt of numerous jokes. The shortest is about a GAI inspector who introduces himself to drivers as “Инспектор Сидоров, трое детей!” (“Inspector Sidorov, three children!”).

In another joke, GAI Lieutenant Petrov asks his superior for a raise, since he has just married and needs to buy a new apartment. The superior picks up the phone and barks out: “Sergeant! Lieutenant Petrov is coming to see you. Please give him a new road sign.”

The infamy of the GAI has in fact reached such pandemic proportions that the organization recently resorted to a name change, from ГАИ to the clumsy ГИБДД (Государственная Инспекция по Безопасности Дорожного Движения – Main Inspectorate for Road Safety, to emphasize their public safety role). But battered Russian drivers were quick to decifer the acronym as “Гони инспектору бабки и двигaй дальше!” (“Give the inspector some dough and drive on!”). Folk wisdom, indeed, knows no bounds. For now this is surely the “safest” way to travel Russian roads.