Yanukovich Takes a Banya

A few days before Ukraine was to sign an Association Agreement with the European Union at the Eastern Partnership summit in Vilnius (held November 28-29), Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin (who oversees the defense industry) cautioned that if Ukraine signed the agreement, the country might be doomed to forever reside “в предбаннике” of the EU. What could this possibly mean? Well, a предбанник is the anteroom leading into a Russian banya, or bathhouse. Yet quite often предбанник is used figuratively, to mean a waiting room: local bosses might tell subordinates who are trailing them as they enter an office, “Подожди меня там, в предбаннике” (Wait for me there, in the “waiting room”).

Rogozin’s insinuation was clear, and after Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych did the math,* he decided against sitting in the EU’s предбанник. For now. After all, what Russian, sorry, Ukrainian doesn’t like to sweat in the парилка (steam room), flagellating himself with a берёзовый веничек (birch branch)?! The hotter the air in the парилка – the better: as the saying goes, пар костей не ломит (Steam doesn’t break bones). And, after the banya session is over and everyone congratulates you on “a light steam” – “C лёгким паром!” – who could refuse a shot of ice-cold Russian водочка (or Ukrainian горилка)?! Even a teetotaler would find that difficult. As another saying postulates, Год не пей, два не пей, а после бани выпей (You may well not drink for one year or even two, but you have to have a drink after the bathhouse).

That famous post-banya greeting – “C лёгким паром!” – was made even more famous by the cult movie Ирония судьбы или с лёгким паром! (Irony of Fate or Light Steam). This movie also gave us another banya-related idiom. In the scene where the protagonist’s mother pushes an intrusive friend out of their apartment (so that her son can enjoy a moment with his fiancée), the mother says: “Иди в баню!” (“Go to the bathhouse!”). With time, Иди в баню! has become a polite euphemism for “Go to hell!” or “Get the hell outta here!”

I spent time in Kiev as a kid; it was all one country then, part of our homeland, just like Moscow or Novgorod. And I have never been able to accept the anti-Russian hysteria of recent years, fanned by former President Yuschenko, et al. So when Yanukovych half-heartedly told the EU “Иди в баню!” at the end of November, it turned into an unexpected birthday present for me. Friends and I were eating homemade pelmeni when we heard the news, so we followed up our culinary treat with a shot of Russky Standart vodka (though my buddy Sasha went for a half-glass of the spicy Ukrainian горилка Nemiroff). As Boris Yeltsin once told his subordinate Vladimir Shumeiko (he of the nice, Ukrainian surname), “пельмени без водки только собаки едят” (“only dogs eat pelmeni without vodka”).

But the Ukrainian opposition was not toasting Yanukovych’s decision and urged their supporters out onto the streets. Over 300,000 heeded the call, some reports had it, and Yanukovych probably felt as if he was sitting on the парилка hot seat, not in any предбанник. In fact, Януковича даже пот прошиб (Yanukovych even broke out into a sweat). Riots ensued, and some worried it might degenerate into a кровавая баня (bloodbath). At press time, the outcome was uncertain and Yanukovich was on a “previously scheduled trip” to China.

Well, this is what happens in politics when you try to please all sides – и нашим, и вашим (ours and yours), as we say.

С лёгким паром, Витёк!

* Russia imports more goods from Ukraine than from all of Europe, while supplying almost two-thirds of the gas that Ukraine consumes. Russia threatened increased trade restrictions if Kiev signed the AA. Russia cutting off trade and imposing other restrictions on Ukraine would have cost the country $500 billion, Reuters reported. Yanukovych said Ukraine would need $160 billion to shift to European standards by 2017. Ukraine is set to run a budget deficit of more than $6.5 billion.