Goats, Ribs and Suitcases

When two силовики́ (a term used for the heads of government agencies that wield some sort of force) on opposite sides of the ocean lose their jobs almost simultaneously as a result of extramarital affairs (внебра́чные свя́зи), the linguistic columnist cannot but thank Fate for dropping another theme, marital infidelity (супру́жеская неве́рность), into his lap.

True enough, unlike former CIA boss David H. Petraeus, Russia's ex-defense minister Anatoly Serdyukov "showed extremely poor judgment" by engaging both in an adulterous affair," (адюльте́р) and a corruption scheme. But rumors spread quickly through Russian media that the real reason the former furniture salesman lost his job was because he was "walking away from his wife" – гуля́л от жены́, which infuriated his powerful father-in-law and former patron, Viktor Zubkov, ex-Russian prime minister, now chairman of the oil monopoly Gazprom.

When a 50-year-old like Serdyukov (or a 60-something Petraeus) begins to "go to the left" – ходи́ть нале́во (colloquial for изменя́ть жене́ – cheat on one's wife) Russians say with a smirk: седина́ в бо́роду, бес в ребро́ (gray hair in the beard means a devil in the rib). And the обма́нутая жена́ (deceived wife) in this case awards her unfaithful husband (неве́рный муж) with the epithet ста́рый козёл (old goat). Sometimes she decides to avenge herself and to наста́вить рога́ (literally, "endow with horns," meaning to cuckold) her unfaithful spouse, making him a рогоно́сец (cuckold).

More often than not, the "old goat" in question is just a sugar daddy (бога́тый па́пик) for his young любо́вница (mistress). Or, as we joke now, то́лько разме́р кошелька́ име́ет значе́ние (the only size that matters is that of the wallet), a point my wife made as we were watching the initial news reports about the goat-ribbed Serdyukov.

For my part, I tried to play it low key (спусти́ть на тормоза́х, in this case) as our local male population tends to be less categorical in their judgment of such inappropriate behavior. Alexander Pushkin, for one, issued the following verdict:

Смешо́н и ве́треный стари́к,
Смешо́н и ю́ноша степе́нный

The harebrained old man and the sedate youngster are equally ridiculous

Legend has it that when someone reported to Stalin on the extramarital affair that Marshal Rokossovsky was having with a famous actress, they asked the generalissimo, "What are we going to do?" Iosif Vissarionovich retorted, "Что де́лать – зави́довать бу́дем!" ("What else? Envy him!")

Time was, my favorite phrase pertaining to this topic belonged to Oscar Wilde: "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it" (еди́нственный спо́соб изба́виться от искуше́ния – э́то подда́ться ему́). Though, later I thought better of it when I found out Wilde happened to have rather нетрадицио́нные собла́зны (untraditional temptations).

Now, I wouldn't be myself if I didn't parade before you one of my favorite quotes from the film Diamond Arm: "Нет тако́го му́жа, кото́рый не мечта́л бы хоть на час стать холостяко́м" ("There is no such a thing as a husband who never dreamed of becoming a bachelor, if only for an hour").

In fact, this was the quote I chose to cite to my wife in hopes of finalizing our discussion of Serdyukov's leftist-deviation. To which my better half, who likes to personalize any abstract situation, replied aptly, "У двери́ тебя́ уже́ бу́дут ждать два чемода́на." ("Two suitcases will be waiting for you by the door.")

Which will be my new mantra anytime I feel the devil grabbing me by the rib.

* Goat ribs, though not as common as pork or beef ribs, have a succulent, rich flavor and can be prepared in multiple ways. Read more: bit.ly/goatribs