The 25-year Coat

The acquisition – приобретение – of a шуба (fur coat) has long been viewed as a signatory purchase in a Russian marriage: it purportedly elevates the couple to new heights. That a husband would spend две штуки (two big ones, or $2000) in hard-earned cash is touted as proof of loyalty and everlasting love. To not do so, when coyly asked, can result in serious economic and other sanctions which I won’t enumerate.   (So much for the non-materialist Russian soul, eh?)

In any event, this winter, yours truly crossed this momentous Rubicon. Thankfully, my прекрасная половина (better half) did not threaten or cajole, in fact assuring me she would love me with or without a шуба. But I knew she wanted it badly, so I had to put some бабло (dough) on the block.

I briefly considered if a mere дублёнка (lined leather coat) would do, but thought better of it. Past a certain age, a дублёнка simply не катит (“doesn’t roll,” i.e. doesn’t work). It also wouldn’t do to be considered скупой (a miser) or дешёвка (cheap) in the year of your cеребряная свадьба (silver anniversary, 25th). So the coveted  меховое изделие (fur product) now hangs in our прихожая (entryway).

My wife likes the шуба and admitted to большое счастье (big happiness). I asked if perhaps she meant to say “полное счастье” (complete happiness), but she assured me she had not misspoken.

It was at this point that I thought of my favorite film hero, Semyon Semyonovich, who, when asked why he was going abroad (in the movie Diamond Arm), said: “Вообще-то я хотел купить жене шубу” (“Actually, I meant to buy a fur coat for my wife”). To which his wife quickly retorted: “Шуба подождёт, глaвное — это посмoтреть мир” (“A fur coat can wait, the main thing is to see the world”).

I chased away thoughts of what we could have seen of the world and recalled that a шуба is actually a царский подарок (a tsar’s gift): Russian tsars used to remove their шуба c царского плеча (or с барского плеча, in case of a барин – a gentry member)  and give it to a subordinate as a token of gratitude. Then I remembered Vladimir Dal’s proverb: cоболья шубка кусается (A sable coat bites), meaning it costs too much. I also banished this thought as unworthy of a quarter-centurion Russian муж. Then my associative paradigm reminded me of the great pejorative for a substandard coat: шуба на рыбьем меху (a coat made of fish fur, i.e. a cheap coat with artificial fur).

Well, I am a Russian муж, so of course my next logical leap was from fish to food. The entrée cелёдка под шубой (“herring under fur”) came to mind. No fur is actually involved, it’s just herring covered in a thick layer of beets and mayonnaise. I ventured to the kitchen and mentioned this craving to my прекрасная половина. It might have been самовнушение (auto-suggestion), but somehow I think the dish tasted particularly rich this time around...

Thanking my wife for the hearty meal, I recalled another idiom: из благодарности шубу не сошьёшь (you can’t make a fur coat out of gratitude). Contentedly digesting the селёдку под шубой on the sofa, I fell asleep thinking of an ad on a Moscow billboard: Любишь – докажи! (Love her? Prove it!)

I was awoke by my son, who himself was inspired by my purchase to share a joke.

It seems the wife of a New Russian is shopping with her son in town. She pops into a luxurious fur shop. Now the son is western educated in the evils of fur, so when the mom buys an expensive fur coat, he says:

“Мама, как тебе не стыдно, представляешь как мучалось бедное животное!” (“Mom, you should be ashamed of yourself, just imagine how the poor creature suffered!”)

The mother replies: “Ну что ты, сынок. Зачем же ты так про папу?” (“Son, you shouldn’t talk that way about your father!”)

I burst into laughter, but my wife remarked that my guffaw sounded a bit искусственный (false). Perhaps a bit like fake fur, which makes any coat look like на рыбьем меху.