January 01, 2006

Spycraft Through Film

Suppose you are a spy, sent to Russia with an important mission.

Your Russian is flawless;

your cover story is water-tight; your appearance is typically Slavic (whatever that means). And so, you feel reasonably safe. Until the moment when you are in a restaurant with a completely sober Russian friend, and he says to you, looking down gloomily at his steak with french fries: “This fish in aspic is totally disgusting.”

Fish? In aspic?!

The next day, you are with two other Russian friends, one of whom has donned a patch over his eye. You asked genteelly, whether he had an accident. He happily replies: “Walked and fell, lost consciousness, woke up with the cast.” The second guy slaps him on the shoulder, laughing: “Just look at that mug of yours, Sharapov!”

Now, all this friendly humor is very nice, but the guy’s name is Petrenko, not Sharapov, and he certainly has no cast.

Later that day, a charming girl reacts to your advances with a weird threat: “I’ll complain to my husband, and he’ll turn you into a rat.” And then she smiles conspiringly.

In the evening, you visit an elderly childless couple, bringing flowers for the wife and bottle of vodka for the husband (you sat through a special course in Russian customs and traditions, so you know you got this one right). The host meets you at the door and his first words of welcome are: “Flowers to the woman, ice-cream to the kids. Don’t screw it up!” You nervously look around for children. There are none. Confused, you give the wife bottle of vodka.

It is then that you start to realize that, back at Langley, they forgot to teach you something vitally true about this country of madmen. Unfortunately, we have to quote Comrade Lenin here, because it is he who said it best: “Of all the arts, the most important for us is cinema.” Funny and sad, old and new, colored and black and white, hundreds, thousands of movies have made their indelible impressions on the Russian psyche. One Russian throws out an oddball quote at what seems an unexpected moment, and a second Russian shares the other half of the same smile. You, the outsider, feel like a fifth wheel and wonder if you can ever truly gain cultural access.

Relax, it’s not Mission Impossible, it’s just movies. The key is knowing which films to watch so as not to be caught out in the cold. And so, we come to the rescue.

The first thing to note is that, as strange as it may seem, all Russians quote the same movies. Ask 20 Russians what films they quote most often and odds are 19 of them will list the same handful of films in their top eight or ten (and most will group their selections by directors; yes, ordinary Russians do remember directors’ names). Second, almost all quotable movies were shot in the 1970’s. This is not something to be understood, just known. And so, without further ado, here is our list, based on a rigorous quizzing of dozens of Russians, of Russia’s Seven Most Quotable Films.

Let the assimilation begin.

Seventeen Moments of Spring

Семнадцать мгновений весны

1973 (TV mini-series)

Psychological spy thriller

Director: Tatyana Lioznova, based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov.

Cast: Vyacheslav Tikhonov (Stirlitz), Leonid Bronevoy (Müller), Yuri Vizbor (Bormann), Yekaterina Gradova (Kathe), Yefim Kopelyan (narrator) and innumerable cameos from the very best actors.

Plot: It is the spring of 1945 in Berlin and Hitler is almost kaput, but not quite. Baddies from the top ranks of the Nazi leadership are scheming to make a separate peace deal with the West and leave Russia on the outs. Enter our hero, Otto von Stirlitz, who is, surprise-surprise, Soviet intelligence colonel Maxim Maximovich Isayev, who has been working undercover in Germany since the late 1920’s, working his way up the Nazi ladder (no uncomfortable questions about how, please). His Kremlin bosses order him to ruin the talks, and ruin them he does, enlisting the help of an absent-minded professor, a pacifist priest, a pregnant radio operator and others.

Trivia and rumors: When the mini-series (17 moments squeezed into 12 episodes) ran for the first time, crime rates across the Soviet Union plummeted during the on-air hours.

Non-verbal highlight: A flashback scene when Stirlitz meets with his wife at a Berlin café; they stare at each other across the room but cannot communicate. It is a ten-minute tear-jerker without a single word exchanged. This scene, by the way, is the pinnacle of Stirlitz’s love life in the movie.

Bonus: the Stirlitz saga has spawned a barrage of jokes, most of them of a subtle linguistic nature and hence largely untranslatable. Ninety percent have nothing in common with the plot. Why? Nobody knows.

Quotes:

характер нордический

Nordic temperament

In the movie: Used when introducing almost every new person within the Nazi hierarchy, by way of quasi-documentary dossiers. In life: Can be said about anyone displaying a high degree of coolness (also ironically).

Штирлиц, а вас я попрошу остаться.
Stirlitz, as for you, I’d would like you to stay.

In the movie: Said by Papa Müller, chief of the Gestapo and Stirlitz’s nemesis, when we think it’s all over for comrade Isayev. In life: Whenever anyone asks someone else to stay longer.

под колпаком у Мюллера

under Müller’s hood

In the movie: Said about Stirlitz when he is being followed by Müller’s hounds in an unfriendly manner. In life: Said about anyone whose life is scrutinized.

The Meeting Place Cannot be Changed

Место встречи изменить нельзя

1979 (TV mini-series)

Crime-fighting saga

Director: Stanislav Govorukhin, based on a novel by the Vayner brothers.

Cast: Vladimir Konkin (Sharapov), Vladimir Vysotsky (Zheglov), and the crème de la crème of then contemporary Soviet cinema in supporting roles.

Plot: It is 1945 again, although now we are in Moscow, not Berlin. A young, decommissioned officer, Volodya Sharapov, is assigned to a homicide squad looking for the mysterious “Black Cat” gang. Through a series of encounters with petty criminals, he gets ready for the real thing: going undercover and into the gang’s den. Throughout the movie, Sharapov quarrels with his friend and mentor Gleb Zheglov about whether the end justifies the means (Sharapov says no, Zheglov says, in effect, “yes it does, you wimp”).

Trivia and rumors: Vladimir Vysotsky was a fine poet, of the kind who sings his poems on a guitar (called a bard in Russian). However, he only hums one song line in this whole five-episode series, and even that is not his own.

Non-verbal highlight: Sharapov playing Murka (the Russian equivalent of the Godfather theme) on the piano at the Black Cat HQ.

Bonus: The movie convincingly recreates the settings, lifestyle and fashions of post-war Moscow.

Quotes:

Баба – она сердцем чует.

The broad, she senses with her heart.

In the movie: Hunchback, the gang leader, says this about one of his concubines’ suspicions regarding Sharapov’s criminal record. In life: Said to stress the wonders of female intuition.

Сдается нам, что ты, мил человек – стукачок.

We feel that you, dear fellow, are a rat.

In the movie: More or less as above. In life: Usually used ironically, which is a good thing.

Твое место в буфете.

Your place is in the canteen.

In the movie: Said by Zheglov to one of the petty criminals. In life: Said to put someone down.

Ну и рожа у тебя, Шарапов.

Just look at that mug of yours, Sharapov.

In the movie: Zheglov commenting on his friend’s appearance after returning from a rough night out that included a restaurant brawl. In life: Used when commenting on anyone’s appearance, especially after a fight, hangover or any other disfiguring events.

Кошелек, кошелек! Какой еще кошелек?

Wallet, what wallet? Don’t know nothing about any wallet! – said with a pronounced lisp.

In the movie: Said by one of the petty criminals about an allegedly stolen wallet (the poor guy is being framed by Zheglov). In life: Employed when declaring one’s innocence or ignorance.

Будет сидеть! Я сказал!

He will rot [in prison]! I say so!

In the movie: Said by Zheglov, waving off his friend’s doubts. In life: As a way to cut off further discussion.

А теперь Горбатый! Я сказал – Горбатый!

Now the Hunchback! I said – the Hunchback!

In the movie: Said by Zheglov, megaphone over his lips, ordering the bandits to leave their den.

In life: It became especially popular during Gorbachev’s reign (1985-1991), due to the similarity between his name and the Russian word “горбатый,” meaning “hunchback.”

Mimino

Мимино

1977

International comedy

Director: Georgy Danelia.

Cast: Vakhtang Kikabidze (Mimino), Frunzik Mkrtchyan (Khachikyan), Yelena Proklova (Larisa).

Plot: Valentin, nicknamed Mimino (“Falcon”), flies helicopters for agricultural aviation in Georgia. One day, he meets a classy Russian stewardess, Larisa, and falls for her, but he realizes he can’t seriously pursue her unless he is in “big aviation.” He goes to Moscow to apply for training as an international pilot, which turns out to be tricky, but is finally settled through an alleged wartime friend of his father’s. While in Moscow, he befriends Robik Khachikyan, a hapless Armenian mistaken for a famous medical scientist of the same name, is tried (and acquitted) for an assault on his sister’s former boyfriend, and meets Larisa again, who kind of fancies him what with the career move and all. But he misses the old life and eventually returns to his native Georgia.

Trivia and rumors: A deleted scene featured Mimino and Robik (both extremely un-Slavic and extremely dissimilar) in a hotel elevator with two identical Japanese tourists saying to each other (with subtitles): “It’s unbelievable how all Russians are indistinguishable.”

Non-verbal highlights: A cow transported on a helicopter sling through the mountains; a feisty quasi-Caucasian dance performed by Mimino and Robik in the restaurant of Moscow’s Hotel Rossiya.

Bonus: From Germany, Mimino tries to phone his native village of Telavi, but the operator connects him with Tel-Aviv, Israel. Mimino finds an émigré Georgian Jew on the other end of the line, and they break, nostalgically, into a muffled Georgian song. Sugary, yet strangely convincing.

Quotes:

Ларису Ивановну хочу!

I want Larisa Ivanovna!

In the movie: Repeated by Mimino whenever he calls Larisa on the phone. In life: Used to indicate a wish to have something or to speak with someone (usually pronounced with a mock-Georgian accent).

Такую личную неприязнь испытываю к потерпевшему – кушать не могу!

I feel such strong personal dislike for the injured party that I can’t eat!

In the movie: Robik Khachikyan speaks this when trying to defend his friend in court, missing the point entirely. A classic comedy scene. In life: Used as an expression of humorous dislike.

Хочешь, я тебе один умный вещь скажу, только ты не обижайся.

If you want, I’ll tell you something clever, but don’t be offended.

In the movie: Robik Khachikyan’s permanent refrain. In life: Extremely useful opening to any criticism. Should be said with a heavy Armenian accent.

Восемь баранов – это с тобой.

Eight rams, counting you.

In the movie: When the airfield manager counts the “heads” to be transported. The remark is addressed to a shepherd. In life: Use your imagination.

Irony of Fate

Ирония судьбы, или С легким паром!)

1975 (TV)

Christmas fairy tale

Director: Eldar Ryazanov.

Cast: Andrey Myagkov (Zhenya), Barbara Brylska (Nadya), Yuri Yakovlev (Ippolit).

Plot: Zhenya is in his mid-30s but still single. This New Year’s eve he is going to propose to his girlfriend, but first is sucked into a New Year’s ritual by his buddies – going to the banya to get sauced. Totally smashed and unconscious, Zhenya flies to Leningrad by mistake (one of his friends was supposed to go). Once there, he orders a taxi to his home address and finds himself in an apartment which is a replica of his own in Moscow. In fact, even the key fits in the door, so he doesn’t notice anything. Nadya, also in her mid-thirties and single, comes home to find an unknown drunk in her bed. This on the day when she’s expecting a proposal from the sensible Ippolit! The rest of the movie is devoted to their slow but sure dance toward love, interrupted by occasional visits from Nadya’s girlfriends, Ippolit in various stages of jealous fury, and lyrical guitar romances from both leads.

Trivia and rumors: Ryazanov made a much-criticized but ultimately inspired decision to cast a Polish actress in the lead role. She had to be doubly dubbed, both in dialogue scenes and in singing interludes.

Non-verbal highlight: Ippolit’s crazed night ride across Leningrad in his skidding Lada. A masterpiece of pre-computer special effects.

Bonus: Excellent songs (music by Mikael Tariverdiev) to lyrics by the very best Russian poets. Nadya’s singing voice is an uncharact-er-istically gentle Alla Pugacheva, the future femme fatale of Russian pop (it’s painful to see, but she’s still performing – see this issue’s Survival Russian).

Quotes:

У нас традиция – на Новый Год мы ходим в баню.

We’ve got this tradition: we go to the banya on New Year’s eve.

In the movie: Repeated by poor Zhenya throughout the movie, ad nauseaum, whenever he’s asked to explain what happened. In life: Said about any stupid tradition, with pride.

Какая гадость эта ваша заливная рыба!

This fish in aspic of yours is totally disgusting!

In the movie: Spouted by Ippolit in a bout of drunken honesty, referring to Nadya’s culinary talents. In life: Can be said disapprovingly about almost anything (ironic).

Какая память! – Сейчас не об этом!

“What a memory!” “That’s not the point”

In the movie: One of the drunk friends in the bath-house suddenly remembers that one of them was planning to fly to Leningrad that day, but he’s not sure who. The others are impressed by his memory. In life: When someone says something obvious.

Diamond Arm

Бриллиантовая рука

1968

Smuggling romp

Director: Leonid Gayday.

Cast: Yuri Nikulin (Gorbunkov), Andrey Mironov (Gena), Anatoly Papanov (Lyolik), Svetlana Svetlichnaya (Temptress), Nonna Mordyukova (Superintendent).

Plot: Good guy Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov is awarded an overseas cruise. Walking in an Eastern city, he slips on a banana skin, falls down and mutters “Damn!” Little does he know that he has just uttered a code word for a team of international smugglers to make him a phony arm cast and stuff it with diamonds. The real smugglers, Gena and Lyolik, also on his ship, decide to let Semyon do the smuggling and follow him home, retrieving the jewels there. Semyon, however, reports everything to the police and is recruited as a double agent, but is forced to conceal his mission from his family. This leads to a series of hilarious misunderstandings and the inevitable happy ending.

Trivia and rumors: “Eastern city” sequences were to be shot in Turkey, but were finally shot in Baku, Azerbaijan, due to financial restrictions.

Non-verbal highlight: Gorbunkov’s dream sequence with the erotic dance of the temptress, which on close-up turns out to be the sturdy and no-nonsense Superintendent.

Bonus: Two humorous songs performed by Gena (sober) and Gorbunkov (drunk), respectively, were just that: humorous songs. But they were taken out of context, each acquiring the significance of a political statement referring to Soviet life in general. Which is not so surprising, given their titles: “The Island of Bad Luck,” and “Well, We Don’t Care.” A classic example of unintended Soviet Aesopianism.

Quotes:

Шел, упал, потерял сознание, очнулся – гипс. Walked and fell, lost conscience, woke up with a cast.

In the movie: Repeated by Gorbunkov, giving his explanation of the cast. In life: Used to refer to any sequence of unexpected events.

Я не трус, но я боюсь.

I’m not a coward, but I’m scared. (It rhymes in Russian.)

In the movie: Said by Gorbunkov to police officers.

In life: To stress one’s reluctance to do or say something.

Бабе цветы, детям – мороженое. Не перепутай!

Flowers to the woman, ice cream to the kids. Don’t screw it up!

In the movie: Said by Lyolik to Gena, explaining how to suck up to Gorbunkov’s family. In life: Used in a gift-choosing or gift-bearing situation.

Наши люди на такси в булочную не ездят!

Our people don’t ride taxi to the bakery!

In the movie: Declared by the Superintendent to Gorbunkov’s family, disapprovingly. In life: Used to comment on someone’s luxurious lifestyle.

Не виноватая я! Он сам ко мне пришел!

I’m not guilty! It was he who came to me!

In the movie: Said by the temptress in Gorbunkov’s nightmare. In life: Used to shift responsibility from oneself.

Брюки превращаются… превращаются брюки…

The trousers are transformed… they are transformed, the trousers…

In the movie: At a fashion show, where Gena the smuggler works as a male model, the host is demonstrating a transformation of trousers into shorts, but the zipper is stuck, and she says this, trying to buy time. In life: Used to buy time when something doesn’t work as smoothly as expected.

White Sun of the Desert

Белое солнце пустыни

1970

Revolutionary Western

Director: Vladimir Motyl.

Cast: Anatoly Kuznetsov (Sukhov), Pavel Luspekayev (Vereshchagin), Spartak Mishulin (Sayid), Kakhi Kavsadze (Abdula), Nikolai Godovikov (Petrukha).

Plot: The former Russian empire is in post-revolutionary turmoil, and the Red Army is fighting guerrillas all over Central Asia (hmm, sounds uncannily familiar). Red officer Sukhov is planning to retire, but new orders say he must protect the abandoned harem of guerrilla leader Abdula. Sukhov wins over the support of customs officer Vereshchagin, actually a relic of the ancien regime, but who has a soft spot for Sukhov’s aide, Petrukha. Petrukha, in turn, falls for Abdula’s youngest wife, Gyulchetay. Local fellow Sayid is saved by Sukhov at the beginning of the movie and repays the debt many times over. Sukhov tries, with limited success, to introduce Communist rules in the harem. A final skirmish ensues, with fatal consequences for most of those involved.

Trivia and rumors: It’s an unbreakable tradition for Russian cosmonauts and foreign guests to watch this movie on the eve of blast-offs from Baikonur.

Non-verbal highlight: Shots of Sukhov’s wife/fiancée/girlfriend (not specified) Katerina Matveyevna in traditional Central Russian settings – the only glimpses of greenery in the whole movie. These are voiced over by Sukhov’s courteous letters to her. Katerina Matveyevna is not a speaking part.

Bonus: When Sukhov first enters the harem, scandalized women cover their faces with whatever they’re wearing, thus baring their navels to Sukhov’s bewilderment. For 1970 Russia, long before today’s navel-displaying trend, it bordered on soft-porn.

Quotes:

Восток – дело тонкое.

The Orient is a subtle thing.

In the movie: Said by Sukhov, pondering his mission. In life: Used to refer to anything inscrutably oriental or just inscrutable.

Стреляли.

There were shots.

In the movie: offered by Sayid, explaining his auspicious but unexpected appearances. In life: Used as an explanation of anything not logically explicable.

Опять икра!

Caviar? Not again!

In the movie: Exclaimed by Vereshchagin, apparently fed up with bowls of caviar his wife serves him every day. In life: Used as an ironic compliment to caviar; also disappointment at the repetition of a meal (not necessarily caviar).

Гюльчетай, открой личико!

Open your pretty face, Gyulchetay!

In the movie: Said by Petrukha, trying to persuade Gyulchetay to shed her burka. The last time he says it, it is Abdula behind the veil. Tough luck, Petrukha. In life: Used in a variety of situations, sometimes with an erotic subtext.

Таможня дает добро.

The customs officer gives his OK.

In the movie: Said by an unidentified Arab, during a fight when it appears that the customs officer, Vereshchagin, is whipped. He quickly rallies. In life: Said to indicate approval (condescending, reluctant or ironic).

An Ordinary Miracle

Обыкновенное чудо

1978 (TV, 2-parts)

Magic parable

Director: Mark Zakharov, based on a play by Yevgeny Shvarts

Cast: Oleg Yankovsky (Wizard), Alexander Abdulov (Bear), Yevgenia Simonova (Princess), Yevgeny Leonov (King), Andrey Mironov (Minister Administrator).

Plot: A bored wizard stirs up a blizzard to ensnare a traveling king and his entourage. What he has in mind is actually an initiation for his foster son, Bear. Bear is, actually, a bear – turned into a human boy from a cub. At least that’s what the wizard says. So now the wizard’s plan is to see Bear and the lovely princess fall for each other. What’s the catch? The catch is that, once kissed, Bear will revert to his ursine nature. At least that’s what the wizard says. Bear chickens out and flees. So does princess, who is fed up with the court. In Part II, we see them all in a local inn, the princess in reverse drag as a hunter’s apprentice, Bear desperately looking for her, and Minister Administrator unsuccessfully wooing the wizard’s wife. Confession time: The princess tells Bear she’s the princess, Bear tells the princess he’s a bear and what it entails, the innkeeper recognizes his old flame in a middle-aged maid of honor, the princess kisses Bear, nothing happens. Go figure.

Trivia and rumors: Shvarts’s play was first filmed in 1964, but that movie did not rise to such popular fame, and was not shown for a long time, because Oleg Vidov (Bear) emigrated from Russia.

Non-verbal highlight: Wizard’s wife dusting the picture of a dragon and finally scrubbing it off, uncovering a mirror behind it. (Bear first appears through a hole in this very picture.)

Bonus: This was the first of a series of director Mark Zakharov’s parables, through “That Very Munchhausen” and “The House that Swift Built,” to the funny but shallow “Formula of Love,” about Count Caliostro, and finally to “To Kill a Dragon,” also based on Shvarts’s play, but it lacked the subtlety of his earlier movies. The score to most of these films were written by the brilliant Gennady Gladkov.

Quotes:

– Я пожалуюсь мужу, и он превратит вас в крысу.

– А кто у нас муж?

– Волшебник.

– Предупреждать надо.

“I’ll complain to my husband, and he’ll turn you into a rat.”

“Who’s our husband, then?”

“The Wizard.”

“A warning would have been nice.”

In the movie: A conversation when the Minister Administrator is flirting with the Wizard’s wife. In life: May be used in a variety of situations.

Топор, палача, рюмку водки! Водку мне, остальное ему!

An ax, an executioner, a shot of vodka! Vodka for me, the rest is for him!

In the movie: The King on a whim decides to execute one of his courtiers. He changes his mind eventually. In life: Ordering vodka.

Я человек грубый, скажу прямо, по-стариковски: вы не святой. Отшельник, подвижник – да, но не святой.

I’m a rude man, I’ll tell you straight as an old man can: you’re not a saint. A hermit, an aesthete – yes; but not a saint.

In the movie: One of the courtiers to the King. In life: To deflate someone’s self-importance; to provide an ironic counterpoint to flattery.

Я три дня скакала верхом, чтобы сказать вам, что вы мне безразличны.

I’ve been riding a horse to death for three days to tell you that I don’t care about you.

In the movie: Princess to Bear. In life: Usually in romantic context, with a wink.

Тиран, деспот, коварен, капризен, злопамятен.

I am tyrant, despot, treacherous, capricious, vindictive.

In the movie: King, in a paroxysm of unconvincing self-condemnation. In life: A kind of self-complacent self-criticism.

Вот и славно, трам-пам-пам.

It is nice, tra-la-la.

In the movie: A refrain in one of the movie’s excellent songs. In life: It became almost impossible to say “It is nice” in Russian without immediately adding “трам-пам-пам.”

January 01, 2006

Spycraft Through Film

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