May 28, 2017

How to Properly Accept Bribes


How to Properly Accept Bribes
The New Cavalier (Свежий кавалер, 1846), Pavel Fedotov

This is a short extract from a satirical book published in 1837, from which we learn: what sorts of bribes there are; why it is better to take a bribe during lunch; why gaudy is better than a bullfinch; the language in which one should speak of bribes; and how to avoid punishment for receiving bribes.

1. Choose an appropriate place for service.

The more ancient are the traditions of this or that place, that is, the further it is from the spirit and morals of our current century, the more avenues there will be for bribe-taking. The fewer educated and upper class folk who serve alongside you in your post, the more obvious will your assiduousness and inclination to a sedentary life appear to your bosses. Of course, the more eloquently you discourse here and there about honesty, impartiality and knowledge of the law, the more noticeable will be your work on the side that contradicts such meritorious ideas.

2. Properly understand the types of bribes.

There are three types of bribes: in kind, monetary, and favors.

Those of the first type – in kind – include lunches, presents, surprises on the name day or birthday of the bribe-taker or his wife and children, and also the inadvertent leaving behind of one’s things at the home of the bribe-taker, or the cession of movable property and domestics, committed lawfully without money changing hands.

(Don’t forget that a thing taken always bears the impression of its former owner, which is why the best of all types of bribes is lunches: such bribes are hidden in a secure location, that is in the stomach, and can never announce themselves. To the applicant, one can declare: “I will consider your business on such and such day after lunch.” If the applicant is quick-witted, he will invite you to dine on the designated day, and his further success will only dependent upon the skill of the chef.)

The second type of bribe is valued at the going rate in the currency of the realm. Of all state currencies, the bank note is the most preferred, because they pass from hand to hand without sound or clatter, are easily changed into silver or gold, take up very little space, and fit comfortably into one’s pockets, behind one’s tie, in one’s shoes or beneath one’s cuffs.

The third sort – immaterial – are in particularly wide use in noble circles. They are mutual favors either made on the job or out of affection. Included among them are the praises with which writers mutually burden one another.

3. Study the current language for facilitating monetary bribes, or invent your own.

For example, in the eighteenth century, taking money was called “doing business on the clean” [вести дела на чистую]. Each type of bank note had its own specific name, based on its distinctive features. The five-ruble was called a chickadee (синица), a ten-ruble note was a bullfinch (снегирь), 20 and 50 rubles were white pigeons (белыe голубиe), 100-rubles was a goldfinch (щеголь), because of its beautiful pattern, and the 200 was a char (пеструшка ) because of the intricate patterns on its reverse side. “I aimed for a pigeon, but got me a chickadee,” is the sort of expression one could use even in the presence of petitioners, without embarrassing them.

4. Learn to carry yourself such that an petitioner’s first impression of you is of a seriously busy person.

In olden times, they achieved their goals by splattering the floor about them with bits of feather, and dirtying their fingers and face with ink. In the nineteenth century, there is a different methodology: your writing table should be heaped and cluttered so high with papers that even a massive inkwell standing among them is as inconspicuous as a booth standing before Ivan’s Bell Tower.

5. When meeting with petitioners, assume the appearance of a busy person.

Listen as if absent, answer grudgingly; when a petitioner explains the circumstances of his case, make your most unpleasant expression, fix him with glazed eyes, and every minute or so repeat abruptly, “yes, yes!” until your applicant understands that you have no time for this, and takes his leave until another day. When he shows up again, receive him the same way. When he shows up a third, fifth, or tenth time, do not change your physiognomy a whit toward him until the moment that he whispers that he will be thankful to you. (To be thankful is to be “full of thanks,” to deliver the gift of money.) At that point, all aspects of your face should suddenly come alive, your gaze should clear, and your rude voice soften. Answer your dear petitioner, that you have much to do, that his case is very far from first in line, that you have not had any time to examine it, and conclude with these words of advice: visit more frequently.

6. Be vigilant.

Remember that petitioners, hinting about gratitude, often think that such a simple word will awaken some sort of activity in you, but when their case is resolved, the memory of their promises will disappear. If, after your first advice, someone shows up before you again with empty words and empty hands, punish him with your previous severity: let him read your inexorable anger in every line on your face.

7. If the case has many participants and each of them offers their gratitude, accept it from he who offers the most.

Send all the others away with anger and noise. It may be that you must resolve the case unjustly, but how is that important? For he who considers himself offended, the road to appeal is wide open; the important thing is that only one person will know the hidden spring that waters your conscience, and the others will proclaim to all and every of your unselfishness and your honesty, which they themselves experienced.

Or, in a similar situation, accept gratitude from two: first from the one who gives you most, and second, from the one on whose side, by all appearances, justice lies. Then you just need to resolve the case in order that both of them are equally satisfied, even if between them there arises a need for new litigation, while the present case becomes more confused to the detriment of the other petitioners. Even more importantly, you have opened up a new situation. You have created another path for a huge pile of well-creased papers!

8. If, upon receiving the pledge of gratitude, you do not succeed in fulfilling the petitioner’s demand, and the case ends to his detriment, return to the one who gave it all that you have taken, safe and sound.

In this way, you deflect from yourself many unpleasantries, including even the reproach of your own conscience.

9. And the main rule: Upon receipt of the bribe from your petitioner, you must immediately end your acquaintance with him.


Source:

The Art of Bribe-Taking. Manuscript found in the papers of one Tyazhalkina, a deceased titular counselor. (2015 reprint, originally published 1837)

 

 

You Might Also Like

Tanker, toddler, marketer, spy
  • September 29, 2016

Tanker, toddler, marketer, spy

Spy gadgets get culinary, Putin parks a tank, and a tyke takes on the wilderness. All that, and the spirit of adventure. 
Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

At the Circus

At the Circus

This wonderful novella by Alexander Kuprin tells the story of the wrestler Arbuzov and his battle against a renowned American wrestler. Rich in detail and characterization, At the Circus brims with excitement and life. You can smell the sawdust in the big top, see the vivid and colorful characters, sense the tension build as Arbuzov readies to face off against the American.
The Little Humpbacked Horse

The Little Humpbacked Horse

A beloved Russian classic about a resourceful Russian peasant, Vanya, and his miracle-working horse, who together undergo various trials, exploits and adventures at the whim of a laughable tsar, told in rich, narrative poetry.
The Samovar Murders

The Samovar Murders

The murder of a poet is always more than a murder. When a famous writer is brutally stabbed on the campus of Moscow’s Lumumba University, the son of a recently deposed African president confesses, and the case assumes political implications that no one wants any part of.
Russia Rules

Russia Rules

From the shores of the White Sea to Moscow and the Northern Caucasus, Russian Rules is a high-speed thriller based on actual events, terrifying possibilities, and some really stupid decisions.
Survival Russian

Survival Russian

Survival Russian is an intensely practical guide to conversational, colloquial and culture-rich Russian. It uses humor, current events and thematically-driven essays to deepen readers’ understanding of Russian language and culture. This enlarged Second Edition of Survival Russian includes over 90 essays and illuminates over 2000 invaluable Russian phrases and words.
Fearful Majesty

Fearful Majesty

This acclaimed biography of one of Russia’s most important and tyrannical rulers is not only a rich, readable biography, it is also surprisingly timely, revealing how many of the issues Russia faces today have their roots in Ivan’s reign.
A Taste of Russia

A Taste of Russia

The definitive modern cookbook on Russian cuisine has been totally updated and redesigned in a 30th Anniversary Edition. Layering superbly researched recipes with informative essays on the dishes' rich historical and cultural context, A Taste of Russia includes over 200 recipes on everything from borshch to blini, from Salmon Coulibiac to Beef Stew with Rum, from Marinated Mushrooms to Walnut-honey Filled Pies. A Taste of Russia shows off the best that Russian cooking has to offer. Full of great quotes from Russian literature about Russian food and designed in a convenient wide format that stays open during use.
Murder and the Muse

Murder and the Muse

KGB Chief Andropov has tapped Matyushkin to solve a brazen jewel heist from Picasso’s wife at the posh Metropole Hotel. But when the case bleeds over into murder, machinations, and international intrigue, not everyone is eager to see where the clues might lead.
The Pet Hawk of the House of Abbas

The Pet Hawk of the House of Abbas

This exciting new trilogy by a Russian author – who has been compared to Orhan Pamuk and Umberto Eco – vividly recreates a lost world, yet its passions and characters are entirely relevant to the present day. Full of mystery, memorable characters, and non-stop adventure, The Pet Hawk of the House of Abbas is a must read for lovers of historical fiction and international thrillers.  
The Little Golden Calf

The Little Golden Calf

Our edition of The Little Golden Calf, one of the greatest Russian satires ever, is the first new translation of this classic novel in nearly fifty years. It is also the first unabridged, uncensored English translation ever, and is 100% true to the original 1931 serial publication in the Russian journal 30 Dnei. Anne O. Fisher’s translation is copiously annotated, and includes an introduction by Alexandra Ilf, the daughter of one of the book’s two co-authors.
The Frogs Who Begged for a Tsar

The Frogs Who Begged for a Tsar

The fables of Ivan Krylov are rich fonts of Russian cultural wisdom and experience – reading and understanding them is vital to grasping the Russian worldview. This new edition of 62 of Krylov’s tales presents them side-by-side in English and Russian. The wonderfully lyrical translations by Lydia Razran Stone are accompanied by original, whimsical color illustrations by Katya Korobkina.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955