Friday, April 01, 2016
SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA – In a surprising move that has shocked international pundits, Secretary of State John Kerry today announced he has arranged the de-annexation of Crimea by Russia.
“As you know,” Kerry said at a hastily arranged press conference before the crumbling Sevastopol city office building, “Foreign Minister Sergei Ivanov and I were meeting here today to discuss the region’s future and Russia’s reintegration into the international community.”
Crimea was annexed by Russia in March 18, 2014, several days after the Black Sea peninsula was occupied by Russian forces in unmarked uniforms. Russia has been subjected to vigorous economic sanctions by the US and Europe as a result of the action. But, since that was not deemed sufficient, Russia imposed further sanctions on itself, all but barring all foreign imports.
“It was really quite simple,” Kerry said, his notoriously stony visage cracking into an impish grin. “I mentioned to Minister Ivanov that I really liked Crimea, in fact I liked it a lot. And then I sort of let the pause hang there... for a long time.
“As you may know,” Kerry said, his eyes now twinkling, “it is a Russian tradition that, if a guest expresses appreciation for something in your home, you must gift it to them.”
Aides to Kerry who were in the room said Ivanov tried to wait out the pause, but in the end gave a hideous growl and finally said, “You like it, it’s yours. Take it!”
“Ok, I will,” Kerry said.
The Russian navy is to begin an immediate evacuation from this port city, and Kerry took a cell phone call from Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko while still at the press conference podium.
“Petka! You’ll never guess what I’ve got for you,” he grinned into the phone.
At press time, all attempts to confirm the facts in this report proved impossible, given the April 1 holiday.
You have to hand it to History. She has a very well developed sense of irony. Exactly 160 years ago today the Crimean War began... While it is useful for the current crisis over Crimea and Ukraine to understand history, solving the crisis is more likely through analogy.
Russia’s occupation cum annexation of Crimea is a tragedy no matter how you slice the salami tactics. One just wants to protest, boycott, DO something. But what? Well, like President Obama and the EU, we’re coming up a bit short on the list of feasible and effective sanctions. But here are a few things we recommend NOT doing.
Russia's occupation of Crimea, part of the sovereign nation of Ukraine, is wrong. It is wrong under international law, it is in violation of several treaties Russia has with Ukraine and the West, and it is even wrong according to Russia's own foreign policy "principles." So why did it happen?